I'm Scared.

Okay, being scared is a hard thing for me to admit. This time though, it's different.

I went to the gynecologist this morning and had a routine checkup and some blood work done. That all sounds pretty normal, right? Well that's what I thought it was going to be until the doctor actually started talking to me. I went in for a complaint about my menstrual cycle, and he told me about all of these tests he wanted to run because he thinks one of the biggest factors contributing to this problem I'm having is my weight. He told me all of the risks that come from this.

He told me that because of my irregularity, I might not be able to have children someday. He told me something might be wrong with my adrenal gland. He told me all of these tests he wanted to run and the things he wants to do to rule the more serious problems out. When he was saying this, I nodded along and thought "Okay, this will be good, we're going to figure out what's wrong with me."

Nothing really hit me until I got home and had the chance to sit down and think about what this could mean. If something were seriously wrong with me, it would mean emotional and financial strain on my family, and of course it would affect me emotionally. I mean, what if I'm never able to have kids?? I so want to have children someday, but what if my stupid weight prevents me from doing that?

I'm so scared. I'm scared of what the future might hold. I mean, with everything the doctor said to me, how am I supposed to NOT be scared? If something is seriously wrong with me, it could quite possibly change my life forever. I know this may seem like I'm overreacting, but I'm really not. I've had problems with irregularity for about 8 years and have been worried for a long time.

Just... In general I'm scared.

Unsure

For some reason it doesn't feel like Christmas is coming. Yes our tree is up and the holiday movies have been playing and Christmas music has been playing and most of the presents are wrapped and it's cold and all that, but it doesn't feel like Christmas. I think it's because my mom isn't here to celebrate it with us.

A friend told me that whatever I feel having to do with my mom and this time of year, be it happy or sad, is okay.. so.. I feel sad and like no one understands what I feel. I don't want to sound mean, but whenever I see people talk about their moms and how amazing they are, it makes me sad because I can't share anything new with my mom. Not saying that people don't have a right to say whatever they want, I'm just saying this the only way I know how.

I have a feeling that I'll always miss my mom for the rest of my life, and nothing will ever feel the same, especially the holidays. My mom always loved Christmas too. I remember last year, she was in either a hospital or nursing home (I can't remember which it was, she went to so many of both) around this time, but the doctors thought she was well enough to come home for Christmas. I was thrilled, as was my family. I wish she could be here for this Christmas, I miss her so much. It doesn't feel right to celebrate it without her.

In fact, nothing feels right without her. Going about my daily life and tasks doesn't feel right. On the other hand though, what else am I supposed to do? I couldn't possibly lay in bed, dwell on this tragedy, and cry all day. I know my mom wouldn't want that, I know she would want me to be happy. It's just hard to be happy around Christmas because she loved it so much.

Even when she got sicker, her face would light up and she would smile all morning as she watched me and my siblings rip into the bows and colored wrapping paper on the gifts that she and my older sister had so carefully picked out for each of us. She lightened the room with her smile and laughter. That's one of the things I loved most about her.

I guess all I can do is try to be as happy as I can and remember that my mom is here with me in spirit, she's always in my heart, and I still have my memories of and with her. I will hold her close to my heart and pray and ask the Lord to give my mom a hug in Heaven for me on Christmas for me, since I can't. Without my faith I don't know where I'd be, but that's a whole other story.

Can't break free until I let it go.

Yesterday, as some of you know, I went to Six Flags. It was my second time to go in my whole life (the first was when I was a baby, so I don't remember it) so of course I was excited. Our youth pastor (I went with my youth group) passed out our tickets and said we were going on the Titan first.

We walked to it and waited in line for probably about an hour or more, then it was FINALLY time to get on! I was so excited. I'd never ridden a roller coaster before, and I was going to ride in the front two seats of the Titan with my friend Laura. I was pretty pumped, but my heart was racing. Laura told me that was normal, so I wasn't too worried.

I sat down in the seat, put the bar down, and realized it wouldn't go down all the way. I adjusted myself a little, and it still wouldn't. The lady that was helping out walked over and told me I couldn't ride because the restraint wasn't down far enough. I don't think anyone can imagine the embarrassment I felt when I had to climb out of the ride and go wait for my friends to finish riding.

I put my hood up over my head (it was cold so I had my hoodie on), stood in the corner outside the gate, and did my best to not break down crying, although it didn't work out so well since within minutes I had tears streaming down my face and my breath was getting shaky. My mood darkened. I immediately started feeling sad, depressed, angry, embarrassed, and paranoid.

Mostly though, I was feeling embarrassed. I couldn't believe that, to be blunt, I'm too big to ride the freaking Titan. After Laura finished riding, she came over to find me and tried her best to make me feel better, but it didn't work that well. I love her for trying, but I sunk into a dark mood, and once I'm in a dark mood, it's very, very hard to get me out of it.

What is the reason for this, you may ask? Well, that's simple. I'm bipolar, which means I'm either very happy or very depressed. Nothing sets these mood swings off really, and they can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a whole day or longer (for me at least). It sucks, but there isn't anything at this moment that I can do about it. I feel helpless.

It seems like lately, my moods are mostly dark and sad. It could be because I'm not happy with myself, it could be because of my home situation, I don't really know. It seems like as time goes on, I get sadder and sadder, and it's not fair. I just want to be happy, but it's almost as if I don't know how to be.

I don't know what else to say really, just that I hate being sad.

Crimson Regret and Betrayal.

**Warning** The content of this is not for someone of a queasy stomach.

She knows she's made a mistake,
One she can't take back.
As she watches the trickle of blood
Following the curves of her arm downward,
She feels so guilty she can't stand it.

She grabs a ball of tissue
And quickly wipes away the blood.
She cuts again and tries her best
To not cry out from the pain it brings.
She cuts again and again and again.

Tears slowly fall down her pale cheeks,
Tears of sadness, pain, guilt, and regret.
She hates herself for doing this to herself
But knows that with everything she has,
She can not and will not and dare not stop.

The next cut brings a whimper and more tears.
She bites her lip to keep from screaming
As she takes the blade away and once again
Watches the trickle of blood down her arm.
Again, she feels so guilty, but can't stop.

Eventually, there's so much blood
That she can barely see the cuts.
She instantly regrets what she's done
And wishes she could take it back
But she knows it's too late.

She starts sobbing and clutches her arm
Wishing with all her heart
That it didn't have to come to this.
She knows it didn't have to; but sadly
She felt she had no other choice.

She drops to the smooth tile floor,
Her body growing weaker, her eyes closing.
She hates herself so much for what she's done
And as a last attempt to punish herself,
She digs her nails into her arm and screams quietly.

The blood doesn't stop, it just flows faster.
She limply falls to the floor, her eyes half open,
Tears still streaming down her face.
Her cries get softer, and she grows weaker.
Her body lies cold and limp on the smooth tiled floor.

Suddenly, the pain stops. She's free from her sadness.
The blood keeps flowing, yet she doesn't feel it.
She watches her body laying limp and dead
As she blows herself a kiss and disappears
Into the early morning air.

She is finally free.


You probably don't have to guess what song goes with this.

I tried to kill my pain, but only brought more...

This might be slightly disturbing to some people, and it's a little graphic, so this is a warning if you can't handle it.

It happened technically last year, but it still haunts me now. During July of last year, I for some reason got really depressed. I can't remember now because I've chosen to block that fateful day from my mind.

Anyway... I got depressed, so I found one of my old razors, took the blade out, and I cut my wrist with it. It hurt a lot, but for some reason I did it again... and again... and again. I don't remember how many times I did it in that short time period, but afterwards I felt so guilty for doing it.

I don't remember the next time I did it, because as I stated before, I have chosen to block it out. It might have been September or October, but yeah, it was at least a few months after the first time I did it. At that time in my life, my mom had gotten sicker, and I fell into such a deep depression because I'd lost hope she would ever get better. For some reason I thought I had to punish myself for everything that was going wrong in my life. Cutting myself was the way I did that. It hurt, and I bled, I can't say it felt good to do it because it didn't. It was a seemingly endless cycle; I would cut myself, then I would feel so guilty for doing it that I would wait until I stopped bleeding for the moment and cut myself all over again. I don't know what made me stop every time; it might have been because I ran out of places to cut and wanted to wait for them to heal a little before I did it again. It might be because someone called my name and snapped me out of it.

This went on for a few months, and the point that I hit rock bottom was, ironically, on January 13th of this year. It's ironic because January 13th is my mother's birthday. It was sometime in the evening, and I had cut myself then remembered it was my mom's birthday, and I felt so guilty for doing it on that specific day that I got wrapped up in my depression and anger that I cut myself across my wrist on the inside of my arm, which I knew was the worst place to cut it since there are a lot of blood vessels there. I ended up bleeding for an hour and a half on and off; when I stopped bleeding I would cut again. It hurt so much that it was all I could do to not scream from the pain.

The pain wasn't just physical. It was emotional pain, spiritual pain, and mental pain. At that time in my life I was suicidal. I wanted to die. So many things had happened and I blamed it all on myself. Anyway, after I finally stopped bleeding, my sister knocked on my door (which was locked, for obvious reasons) and told me we were going out to dinner, so I put on a watch to cover the cuts I'd just made and didn't participate in any of my family's conversation. I put my iPod on Evanescence and let myself feel depressed. I got so wrapped up in it. When I got home later, I laid in bed because I was feeling kind of dizzy. Later on I started seeing spots and it felt like the room was spinning. When this happened it was about 1:00 in the morning, and I thought I was going to literally pass out. Not from being tired, but from blood loss. I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to wake anyone in my house up and worry them, so I laid in bed and worried and panicked and almost threw up, taking sips from the water bottle that was beside me every once in awhile until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I decided that I would never cut myself again. I wanted to, oh believe me I wanted to. It took literally EVERYTHING I had to throw my old razor blade away. It took all of my willpower to not find a new one and do it again. It was an addiction, and it was so hard to stop.

If I said I still didn't want to cut, I would be lying. If I told you I thought I was stronger from going through this, it would be a lie. I still suffer from what I believe to be depression, I'm sad all the time and I've become unfortunately good at hiding my sadness and putting on a happy face. I act strong and happy on the outside, when on the inside I feel like I'm dying from the crushing emotional pain I'm going through.

I know how selfish this may seem, because I have a family who loves me, friends who care about me, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food to eat. I still feel this way however; and I can't tell you why because I don't know. I wish I knew, because I feel depressed, sad, angry, lost, guilty, helpless, and hopeless. I think the last time I was actually happy was before my mom got sick in 2001. That's over 9 years of being depressed like this.

Anyway... Yesterday actually marked 11 months since the last time I cut myself. It's quite a milestone, at least I think it is. I let it take over my life, and I shouldn't have. Am I stronger after going through this experience? I'll let you know when I figure that one out.

I want my momma back.

I know a lot of my posts recently have been about missing my mom, but this is how I try to deal with things.

I miss my mom. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her when she was alive. I'm angry, not sure at what, because she's gone and was taken away from me and my family. I'm sad and often myself crying because I miss her and I need her back. It's just not fair that she's just gone, and she can never come back. Nothing can bring her back. Her stupid illness took her away from me. I have absolutely no faith in America's health system or in scientists and doctors anymore because nothing could cure her. She was a prisoner in her own body and nobody was trying to heal her. They gave up on her. It's not fair. I would have done everything I could to try to make her better.

Before my grampa (my mom's dad) died, he would always come over to our house and talk with my mom and read Scripture to her and pray over her. I know God was listening, it's just hard to see it since my mom is gone. My grampa also told her about a vision he had. He was sitting in church, and my mom was healed and she was so beautiful, and she would walk in and come up to him from behind, with a smile on her face. He had faith that she was going to be healed. Now she can walk to him in Heaven. She can walk everywhere. I just wish she could be doing all of those things here.

I need my mom here. I so wish I could hear her voice, and see her smile, and from that I'd know everything is going to be alright. I don't see any of that now. My biggest fear is that I'll forget her. Some days I forget that she's gone, and I think "Oh, I should go call her" then, literally the second after that, my heart sinks and I remember. I really hate times like that. All it does is remind me that as long as I live, I can never hear her voice or hear her laugh or hug her or see her smile or look into her eyes ever again.

Every time I get into one of these moods, it's something different that triggers these emotions. Today, it was a song; I'll Wait For You by Joe Nichols. If you've never heard it, it's about a husband trying to do his best to get home to his wife. They're both elderly, and she's very sick. They talk on the phone as much as they can while he's trying to get home, and she shares memories with him about how she's had to wait for him before, but it didn't matter how long it took because she loved him so so much. Then, the last verse says she dies before he can get home.

The whole idea of the song makes me think of my mom and dad. Whenever he would call home from work and say he was going to be late or something, my mom was always so patient with him. She was always so loving and understanding because she knew he was providing for our family to make sure we had a good life. I could tell she was sad that he was working later, but she knew working was important to my dad. Even when she got sicker, she had such a sense of grace and dignity about her that I truly admire. My mom was my role model. She never gave up.

Some days, she would have an "MS attack" where she got confused and, for lack of a better term, not completely there. She had times when she thought she was still 19, or when she thought I was my older sister. It was always different, and none of us knew when or how it was going to happen. One night she was screaming and not making any sense at all, she was in pain but medicine couldn't help her, she would repeat the same phrase over and over. I've chosen to block out that terrible night because it hurts to remember it. Every time she had an attack it was so hard to deal with it, but we had to for her sake.

I will always, ALWAYS miss my mom. I know I'll always have my memories of her, but sometimes those memories bring pain because it makes me think I can never make new memories with her again. She's in Heaven, and she's not in pain anymore. I try so hard to cling to that fact, but I can't help but wish she were here to help me through this pain. She was always so good at that; she knew how to lift me out of my worst moods and she was so patient while I talked everything out, and she would smile her comforting, perfect smile as she helped me feel better. She will always be my momma. She'll always watch over me, and she'll always be in my heart and in my mind. I do know that, but I wish she were still alive because this is truly the hardest thing my family and I have ever had to go through.

The last chorus of the song I mentioned earlier makes me cry...

I'll wait for you at Heaven's gates
Oh I don't care how long it takes
I'll tell St. Pete I can't come in
Without my Love and my best friend
Oh this ain't nothing new
Sweetheart I'll wait for you.

I can totally hear my mom singing this to my dad. He was the love of her life, and she was the love of his life.

Not looking forward to the future

For the first time ever since I was little, I'm not looking forward to the future. I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or any of that. Why, you may ask? Because my momma isn't here.

Since she passed away last month, I find it very hard to look forward to much of anything anymore. She means so much to me, and she's gone from my physical world, and everyone else's. I know she's always in my heart, and she's in Heaven, and she's so happy, and that does bring me peace to some degree. I will always have the memories we shared together, and all the happiness she brought me. However it's not the same as looking into her comforting eyes, or being wrapped in her loving arms, or hearing her laugh that always made me laugh, or seeing her beautiful smile. I so wish she were here to hold me and tell me it's all going to be alright. She always made sure I never hurt as much as I hurt now. As much as all the other things I've been through in my life have hurt me, losing my mom has hurt the most. It's so hard to live without her. It's been a little over a month since she passed away, but it feels like it's been longer.

I don't like living without her. I just don't. It's too difficult. She was and still is the one person in this world who means the most to me. And she's gone. It isn't fair. If this sounds like I'm complaining, then too bad because I think I have a right to complain. If that sounds harsh then I'm sorry. It is how I feel.

I know that God wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle. I just don't see how I can handle this. There are days when I'm fine, all smiles, and happy. Then I have my days where I hear a song or read back over Facebook updates from me and my older sisters or read over my old blog posts or see, hear or smell something that brings back the slightest memory of my mom, and I lose it because I won't ever be able to share any memories with her again.

Now I'm going to go before I cry any more.

A Fragile Heart.

Why is it that I’m still hurting?
Why is it that I’m so depressed?
Why is it that I feel so guilty?
Why am I never happy?

Can’t a girl get a break here?
Can I have one day of not being miserable?
Will my heart be broken forever?
Will I ever be happy again?

How come I want to scream “It’s not fair!”?
How come I feel pain physically, mentally, and emotionally?
Why am I so mistreated?
Why is my heart so broken?

“Someone said ‘A broken heart would sting at first, then make you stronger.’ You wonder why this pain remains… Were hearts made whole just to break?”

If anyone figures out the answers to any of these questions, or figures out how to mend my fragile heart, let me know. I’ve tried to figure it out on my own; I’ve tried to be strong. But I fail. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

A True Friend.

There's something I've been thinking about. Or rather, someone.

There's this girl, and her name is Brianna Iverson. We met when I first went to my new school in 9th grade. I was alone, a bit intimidated, somewhat scared, and I had no friends. I would come into the cafeteria every day looking for a place to sit, and she and the other girls who soon became my friends always made room for me. I felt wanted, and like I belonged. Little did I know how amazing of a friend Brianna would be.

Through our high school years, her and I became closer. I didn't have my license so she would drive me home from school and to go hang out at her house and things like that. We talked a lot, about anything and everything. She told me things she'd never told anyone; and I did the same. (For privacy reasons, I won't repeat what she told me.) I told her my concerns with my mom, and she listened and gave me the best advice she could, even though she didn't know what I was going through. She became almost like a sister to me.

The summer after our senior year of high school was a tough one. She had decided that there was a Bible college in Iowa that she wanted to go to because other members of her family had gone there and it was a really good school. I was so happy for her - still am - but the only problem is, Iowa and Texas are about 1,000 miles apart, so I knew this meant I wouldn't see her for awhile. She spent the semester there, then came down for Christmas break. Due to personal reasons, she didn't go back. I was happy to have her back since we were so close, but my heart hurt for her because of what she was going through. I really tried my best to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on and an embrace she could feel safe in.

The summer after - this last summer, actually - we spent more time together. We went to Church, we hung out, and we went to camp together with other members of our church. Then, I found out something heartbreaking: She was going back to Iowa to live with her aunt and uncle and attend a community college up there. I was very sad, and the night before she left (it was a Wednesday night; we were at Church) we spent awhile talking and hugging and exchanging addresses and things like that. After she left, we talked a few times over the phone, and I missed her terribly. She found out what happened to my mom, and she started calling me every day to check on me, starting last Tuesday.

Whenever we talk, she tells me about her life up there and what she's doing and the different things she had planned. She's very busy, and I was talking to my sister Jenny on the phone today and realized something. Brianna always seems to make time to call me and talk to me, even with her busy schedule. She's a true friend and loves me very much even though she's so far away. She wants to make sure I'm okay, and I hope she knows I appreciate that. I really do. She has in many ways become my best friend, and like a sister to me when I needed it most and needed someone outside of my family to talk to about what I have been going through emotionally and spiritually.

It's crazy what a tragedy like losing a parent can make you realize, and how it can make you think. I've opened my eyes to so many things and have thought so differently, but that's a whole other blog post.

Brianna is a true friend. She's going to call me today, and I am going to love every second of talking to her. I want to challenge the few of you that read my blog. Call your best friend and tell him/her how much they mean to you. It might just brighten their day and bring a moment of clarity or relief from what they might be going through, much like Brianna has done for me.

So overwhelmed...

I felt like I had to write this down...

My older sisters, Jenny and Julie, have been sorting through my mom's belongings today, and they found something really interesting, and very special.

For awhile when I was growing up, I loved American Girl dolls, and I had one (I had Samantha) and was really excited when the company came out with a different collection, called Girls of Many Lands, I loved how pretty they were. For my thirteenth birthday, I got the one from England:

I was very pleased with it; always making sure I took excellent care of it, and reading the book that came with her over and over, loving her story, looking at the doll and loving the dress she came in.

Well, today, like I said my sisters were going through my mom's belongings... and they found four of the other dolls; from India, China, Ireland, and France.

France

Ireland

India

China

After seeing these, my dad told me that my mom had been planning to give them to me one at a time for each of my birthdays until I turned eighteen. Even though she's gone, she still wanted me to have them. I feel like she gave them to me from Heaven, since I finally got them today. I hope she knows that I will always, ALWAYS take care of them, because I feel like with these dolls, a part of her is still here with me.

Thinking of the future... and the past.

I've been thinking about the future today. I've been thinking about the fact that my mom isn't here anymore, and she's not going to be here for anything really.

She's not going to be here for the holiday season this year, or for any of them ever again.
She's not going to see my siblings grow up; graduating high school, graduating college, entering important times in their lives... She can't give any of us hugs or kind words when we do well at something. None of it.

I know she's in Heaven; she's home, like she wanted for so long, and she will always watch over me and my family. It's not the same though. She's not here, and I can never hug her again. I don't even remember the last time I hugged her, or my last words to her.

I feel guilty. There, I said it. I feel like I didn't see her enough, I didn't talk to her enough, I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her. I never got the chance to apologize for being a bad daughter, or for the fights we had, or for not getting her pain medicine quickly enough when she was laying in bed crying. I didn't tell her enough how wonderful she was, or how amazing a mother she was. The truth is, she was the best mother I could have asked for, and a better mother than I deserved sometimes.

She was amazing. I remember so many times where the kids had gone to bed, and so had my dad, and I went out to our living room (where my mom's reclining chair that she used to always sit in was) and we talked for hours, about anything and everything. She would tell me memories of her childhood, like how her mother always used to brush her hair; she told me how, when, and where she met my dad; she told me how he proposed to her; she told me so many wonderful things that made me so proud and amazed to be able to call her my mom. She was such a wonderful person, an amazing mother, and a best friend. I could go to her about anything, and she would help me through it, like a mom should, but she had a way of doing it that made me feel more loved than anything.

I know that I am going to miss her for the rest of my life. I will never forget her. The day that I can hug her again when I get to Heaven will be the happiest thing I can ever experience. I need to remember that she will always be with me, but it's not the same as hearing her voice or seeing her face or being able to hug her. I will always love her.

What my dad said at my mom's funeral.

I was so emotional yesterday that I forgot to mention what my dad said in my last blog post :( I'm sorry daddy!

This was while we were at the cemetery. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember most of it. "She was my precious baby. She still is. I was thinking about what to put on her tombstone, and I couldn't think of anything that would honor her." Then he got teary-eyed and said something like "Sleep well, my precious baby." while looking at her casket.

I've been thinking of how hard this week has been on him. He's completely changed. He has mood swings, he's lost and confused, and completely depressed. They met when my mom was 16, he was 18, and they were married for over 40 years. His plot is going to be next to my mom's when he passes away. I really, really hope it's not anytime soon, because even as much as he yells at me, I need my daddy and I love him very much.

Now I have to stop writing before I start crying too hard to see the keyboard. I love you guys.

My Mom's Funeral and My Memories of Her.

Today, October 22nd, 2010 was my mom's funeral and the day that she was put to rest. It was a beautiful service, and my mom would have been pleased. It really honored her and the woman she was. The things that were said about her were perfect. One thing, was my aunt Linda (one of my dad's sisters) couldn't be there, so she had my aunt Judy (my dad's twin sister) read a message from her. It contained a few memories that my aunt Linda had of my mom, and at the end it said "Heaven is a beautiful place, but it's even more beautiful now that she's there". That made me cry, because it's so true.

My mom was such an elegant lady, she was gracious and always had a sense of dignity about her, even when she got sicker. She never complained about being in pain. She was always ready and willing to do whatever it took to keep her family happy. She was selfless and kind, and the best mom I could have ever asked for.

Today was so emotional. My cousin Holly sang and played I Can Only Imagine on her guitar, and I got teary-eyed because my mom doesn't have to imagine what Heaven is going to be like. She's there, and she gets to experience the wonder of it firsthand. The things my uncle John said about her were so fitting. He read her accomplishments to us, and some things that she did I didn't know, and they amazed me to hear them. She worked for The 700 Club, at one point she had her own business, she and some of her friends got together and wrote a cookbook full of their recipes, and she had 9 children and 7 grandchildren, among many other wonderful things.

When we were at the cemetery.. oh gosh, that was emotional. After the pastor read a few verses of Scripture and prayed over my mom, he opened the floor to let some of us share memories of my mom. I didn't get the chance to, but so many other people did, including my cousin Christine, and she talked about how my mom was always so stylish, she always wore her hair really high and Christine would try to imitate it with her hair. She also talked about how when her mom got sick, she went to my mom for comfort, and they would do things together, like my mom hand-made Christine's clothes when she was a little girl. She also recalled the time when she went to visit my mom a few months ago when she was in the same nursing home as Christine's mom, and instead of talking about herself, she asked Christine how her mom was doing.

Then my brother-in-law Josh spoke, and he said "She was my mom, and I was her son. She always made me feel welcome and like I was a first member of this family.". And it really is true, he called her Mom, like the rest of us did. She loved him so much, and he loved her. My little sister Hope also got the chance to speak. She didn't say very much before she couldn't handle it and started crying, but what she did say was so sweet: "I remember whenever I would cry, I went to momma and sat with her and she snuggled me, and I loved her very much." At this point she started crying. My uncle James (my mom's brother) spoke also, and he said that my mom wouldn't want us to be sad, that she's not here physically; she's in our hearts and always will be.

Then, my sister Julie spoke. She talked about my mom and shared good memories of her as well, and she was crying so hard. She told about how on Sunday, she was with my mom when she was in pain, but my mom didn't complain about being sick, she apologized for not being well and for not being around for us like she should be. She was amazing like that. Julie said she hoped she could be as good a woman as my mom was. She was also there when my mom passed away. Julie saw an angel of the Lord in the room, and she talked to him, and then she saw him take my mom with him to Heaven. She saw it all. At this point she was crying so hard that she couldn't speak anymore. Then we all cried and prayed for a few more minutes, and it was over. Before we left, I went to stand next to my mom's casket for a moment to whisper "I love you mommy, I'll see you soon." and I offered up a prayer: "Lord, she's in Your hands now. I trust you completely, take care of my momma." then we left, and I kept my eye on her casket and the people that were lowering her into the ground for as long as I could, making sure they took care of her like she deserved.

My mom was really such an amazing woman. She was the best mom I could have ever asked for. She always made sure her family was happy before herself, even when she got sicker. I miss her and love her so so much, and I'll always miss her, until I get to Heaven someday and get to hug her and never let go.

This verse so describes my mom:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

~~ Proverbs 31:10-31

Realizations.

There have been a few things I've been thinking about since yesterday, which is kind of a nice change from laying in bed crying all day like I did on Tuesday. What I've come to realize is, God really does have control over it all.

How I came to realize this, was when yesterday I was out to lunch with my dad and Jenny, and Jenny's daughter Rachel came up. I got to thinking... Rachel was born about 3 weeks early, so Jenny's work (she's a nurse) gave her this month off. So I thought, maybe Rachel was born early for a purpose. The Lord knew this was going to happen, so He wanted to make sure Jenny was here to help my family through this rough time. I'm so grateful for her and I am glad that she's been here.

Also, I went to Church last night, something I haven't been able to do often because I haven't had a ride. Anyway, I went, and the worship team played a song called Overcome by The Desperation Band. I listened to the lyrics, and they really got to me, especially this part:

We will overcome
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome

I was singing along and listening to the words, and instantly a realization hit me. I CAN overcome this tragedy. It's terrible, and my heart is broken. But it was in God's plan, and He will be my comfort and my strength. After worship was over, the pastor told us to get chairs (we're a small church) and told us to sit in a circle. He said he'd had a message prepared, but God spoke to his heart and had a change of plans. So, he ended up opening the floor for questions, comments, and discussions, and I got the chance to share with my close friends about my mom, and even though I ended up crying, it brought me comfort to know that they're there for me as well, especially when they surrounded me and prayed for my family and me.

Then, when I got home, one of my best friends tagged me in a picture of a sunset and put it with this Bible verse:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~~Psalm 73:26

Truthfully, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. God is my strength, He is the one constant in my life, and He will help me through this tragedy.

One song that has kept me going is Never Alone by BarlowGirl. Since my mom passed away, I've felt so alone, and listening to this song has made me realize that I'm NOT alone, that God is always with me.

I cried out with no reply,
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know:
You're here, and I'm never alone.

With my situation right now, truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for reading as I've poured my heart out, I love you guys.

Utter disbelief.

I'm sitting here in tears as I write this. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My mom passed away not long after midnight this morning. She lost her 9-year-long battle with Multiple Sclerosis.

She got diagnosed in 2001. I didn't think much of it because, for one thing, I was young. Over the last 4 or 5 years, she constantly got worse. It got to the point where she couldn't walk, stand, sit up, clean up after herself, or even roll over in bed. She couldn't see, and she had trouble remembering a lot of things, including the names of me and my siblings. She was a prisoner in her own body, and it wasn't fair to her or anyone else in my family. It's not fair that she's gone. Out of everyone in the world, my mom meant the most to me. She was always there for me. Even though she was bed-ridden, she came to my high school graduation.

This year, she lost both her dad (in June) and her mom (earlier this month). That had to have been so hard on her. She loved her parents deeply. Losing them was hard on me too. My grampa had talked for so long about how ready he was to go home to Heaven. I miss him very much. My grandma had Alzheimer's, and the disease took her after a very long battle with it. I miss her as well.

Now my mom is in Heaven with both of them, and her brother who died 20 years ago. She's no longer in pain, she's not miserable, she's not bed-ridden. She's finally happy again. She's probably smiling and laughing and dancing and rejoicing because she's not sick anymore. I miss her so much, and it will take me awhile to get through this. I can't imagine a world without her, she was a big part of my life for so long. She adopted me and took me in and loved me. I have so many happy memories of times her and I had together. I have to remember them as best as I can.

My family and I need good thoughts and prayers. I know I've done my share of crying today. I haven't stopped crying since last night. My brother came up to my room and knocked on my door saying "Sarah, get dressed, Jenny has to go to the hospital to be with mom and you have to go to her house and watch Faith and Rachel." (By the way, Faith and Jenny are my sisters, and Rachel is jenny's daughter.) I sat and waited and cried for about an hour and a half waiting and worrying, not being able to concentrate on anything else. I knew she was unstable from what Jenny had told me. Her blood pressure had been dropping, and so had pretty much everything else. The doctors gave her liquids to try to raise everything back up. She had been in pain for the last 2 days, and nothing could help it. When Jenny got back to the house, she didn't say anything at first. I was sitting down, and she walked in, handed me a tissue (and got one for herself), and sat down. I asked her "How's mom?" (Or something like that, it's kind of a blur), and she got this look in her eyes that I will never forget and she said "Before I got to the hospital, momma went to be with the Lord." Then we both broke down crying. Through our tears, I asked her how it happened, and asked if she had gone in pain. Jenny said that her blood pressure had just dropped and slowed down until it stopped, and she didn't go in pain. My mom wasn't alone when she passed away either. My other sister Julie and her husband were there. I can at least be comforted that she wasn't alone. I will never forget her. Mommy, I love you so so much, and I always will. <3

Camp Element 2010 part two - Tuesday

So Tuesday was a completely different day. The first half of the day we spent inside, in the activity center at the church. First, me and the rest of my team painted ourselves blue. That's right, we wore blue clothes, and had blue paint on our arms, legs, hands, feet, and face. It was good though, and our team ended up getting extra spirit points!

We also did random inside games, like shooting M&Ms out of our noses to see who could shoot them the farthest (I won lol) and chugging contests and human wheelbarrow races, and there was this one game called Dizzy Dummy, where one person had a pole and put a roll of toilet paper on it, and they held it while another person held one end of the toilet paper and unwrapped it while spinning as fast as they could so the toilet paper was wrapped around whoever was spinning. I was the spinner twice in a row, and I won that game for our team! Woot!

After the indoor games, we walked about a quarter of a mile to the park across the street from the church, where we played two water games. The first one was like a baseball/kickball type thing. One team were the "batters" and the other team were defense. The batting team had 3 things to throw or kick: a Frisbee, a foam football, and a giant dodge ball. After all 3 things had been kicked or thrown, whoever pitched them had to run the bases, which were buckets that you had to slide your butt on as you passed or sat on them if you didn't wanna get out. Third base, however, was a bit different. We could bypass the butt sliding option and slide to home, on a Slip and Slide which was covered in dish soap and water. Since I'm not a fast runner, I didn't get to do this, but I certainly got splashed and sprayed a few times, it was nice lol

Next, we had a 3-person water balloon launcher - which if you don't know what that is, it's where 2 of our leaders held it, one on each side, and a camper would launch the balloon - and we had to launch balloons into buckets. One person from the blue team had a bucket, and one person from the orange team had one, and the goal was to catch the balloon in the bucket; however, it didn't matter who launched the balloon, it mattered who caught it. For example, if a person on the blue team launched the balloon and the orange team member who was holding the bucket caught the balloon, the orange team got a point. Then after that, we had the balloons and the launcher, and we did a distance competition, and man those balloons went FAR!

It was so hot outside though, and after the outside activities were over, we did a few more inside things and were so happy to go back to where we were staying and get a shower after that day was over! Since we were pressed for time and were only allowed ONE minute in the shower, some of us went to the backyard and washed our hair and shaved in the hose, it actually worked surprisingly well!

After we all got ready, we had another AMAZING worship service! It surpassed my expectations, and even when I thought I couldn't go on to worship any longer, I got a sudden burst of energy and was able to keep on, it was so amazing that I didn't want to stop worshipping! It felt so good to worship like that, it was even better than Monday night's worship, if that's even possible! Tuesday was all in all an awesome day. :)

Camp Element 2010 part one - Monday

Last week I went to Camp Element. Element is the name of my church's youth group, and this week's theme was Deeper. I was so excited about going because I knew that week was going to be such a good opportunity to push myself farther than I've gone and to grow as a person and do things I've never done before. My week at camp certainly met my expectations and surpassed them greatly.
Monday was the first day. I got to the church where everyone was meeting at around 7:30 in the morning. I'd gone to sleep later than I should have, and I'd been up since 5:30, so I was already exhausted. But as soon as the rest of the campers got there, we got into full swing. It was a small camp - about 17 campers were there in all - but that doesn't make it any less significant. Anyway, we got divided into our teams; there were two, blue and orange. I was on the blue team along with a couple of my best friends, Brianna and Meagan. Some of my other best friends were there too, but they were on the opposite team *laughs*.
Our first camp activity was The Amazing Race. We went to three different towns and had different things to do at each place we went to. The first thing we did was we went to Lions Park in Waxahachie, and we had to hit golf balls into inner tubes, which was actually really hard! It was so fun though.
Then, we went to Jonathan's house (one of our team leaders) - I think it was in Mansfield (I think, I can't remember correctly), and we had to do a water activity, it was where we had to put a pole across our shoulders, and we had a bucket of water on each side and we had to take each bucket and dump it into a bigger bucket. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it was easy, except for the fact that the buckets had holes in them! It was really fun too though, and the water that spilled out of the buckets poured on us and we got a nice cooldown in the middle of a very hot Texas day!
Then, after a lunch break, we had to make a tower out of newspaper and tape that could hold up an egg for 5 seconds. It was pretty easy, but the next part to that challenge was a bit more, well, challenging. We had to go to Pak Mail, the business my best friend Hilari's parents run, and behind it was a parking lot. We had to first ride a lap on a bike around this grassy area in the middle of the parking lot, which I couldn't do since I can't ride a bike, so I got to do the mental challenge. The mental challenge was that we had to take boxes that had pieces of manila paper taped to the backs of each one, and we had to put them next to each other to make something. It ended up being the Eiffel Tower in Paris, which my team figured out in a matter of minutes. The hard part was once we had it, Jarod, our youth pastor, kept telling us we had a row upside-down, so it was a matter of rotating a row, asking him if it was right, him telling us no, us fixing the row we'd just rotated, and repeating the process until we finally got it right.
Then, after my team finished, we mixed up the boxes so the other team would have a harder time of figuring it out, then we got into our cars and drove off to our next place, which was Getzendener Park in Waxahachie. Each team member had to put a Frisbee upside-down on our heads and hold it there while everyone else threw tortillas and had to make them land in the Frisbee. That was really fun, even if we did have to get tortillas hurled at our heads. But hey, at least tortillas are kinda soft, right?
After that, we went to another park in another town (it was a long day so forgive me since I don't remember everything lol) and we had to do a wheelbarrow race, one would be in front pulling it, one person would be in it, then we were allowed to have one person in the back holding the wheelbarrow steady so it wouldn't fall over. After that, we did the next part of that challenge, which was that we had to pick up gumballs and use them to fill up a glass bottle (like the small kind like Dublin Dr. Pepepr comes in). The only catch was, we weren't allowed to use our hands. We had to use chopsticks! I thought I'd be horrible at it, but I actually did really well at it!
Then after that, we went back to the church (the Midlothian Worship Center), and we had to do one more thing which for the life of me I can not remember what it was. After that last thing the day was over, and we got to take our stuff to our host homes (the girls were staying at my best friend Brittany's house, I don't know where the boys were staying), and we had an hour and a half to get ready for church that night, which was a little hard considering we had 13 girls and one bathroom, and we were only allowed 5 minutes in the shower, but it was okay, since we got to go worship that night!!! It was, to say the least, amazing and awesome and powerful and fantastic. I felt God's presence in that room so strongly that night, I was crying because I was so overwhelmed.
Monday was awesome, by the time I got to go to sleep I was exhausted. But it was such a good day!

Random Writings/Ramblings

I know it's been awhile, but I just didn't know what to write about. And today I'm bored (as usual), so I'm just randomly writing.

Being engaged in Second Life has been one of the most exciting, scary, thrilling, and sad to say drama-filled experiences of my entire life. I've found someone who loves me for me; short temper, mood swings, and imperfect self-image included. He does love me, yes, but sometimes it's been hard to hold on to him. I've fought my hardest to keep him. I'm not giving up on him, although almost everybody I've talked to tells me I should. I'm a crazy girl, I'm in love, deeply, passionately, movingly, head-over-heels in love with this man. I couldn't be happier that we're married, the big day is in less than 2 weeks; thinking about that makes me excited, but then I remember how much I still have to do. Invitations, song playlist, flowers.. *sigh* it's a bit overwhelming, and my fiancee says he doesn't care, but I know he just says that to mess with me. He's fun like that, he stays up with me and Ade into the latest hours of the night playing Greedy Greedy, or listening to me sing along to my music, or laughing when I accidentally pull my hair. He laughs in a playful way and agrees with me and Ade that I need a padded room and a helmet. He's fun, something I've needed lately.

Also, if we were forced to live a life without music, I couldn't do it. Music is such a big part of my life. I'm listening to music as I write this; my iPod is always playing - more than likely the same handful of songs over and over, even though I have almost 2,000 songs on there, but those few songs are I guess you could say my comfort zone songs. I have different playlists - songs that are upbeat for dancing, songs that are more toned down and calming, love songs, songs that remind me of my fiancee.. Well you get the idea. Lately, the few songs I've been, well, for lack of a better term, obsessed with, are Never Alone (the acoustic mix) by BarlowGirl, All Around Me by Flyleaf, Missing by Evanescence, TiK ToK by Ke$ha, Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus, Only Hope by Mandy Moore, and Telephone by Lady Gaga. Each song has significance for me, each song represents either something I like to think about myself or something I need to be reminded of or just a song with a good beat that I can get up and dance to when I have a random burst of energy at 1:00 in the morning.

Basically these days, my days consist of talking to my friends (mostly Ade, as she is my best friend/maid of honor); talking to my fiancee; making wedding plans; trying my damnedest to make money for wedding pictures, various rents, and my seemingly incurable shopping habit; listening to music; and worrying and praying for my mom.

My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. She's been sick with it since 2001, and I barely remember what she was like before she got sick. She's lost most of her sight (she's legally blind), she can't walk, stand, sit up, or even roll over by herself, she's lost some of her hearing which causes her to talk very softly, a lot of her memory is gone, (I can remember one incident when she was in the hospital, and my family and I went to visit her, and my dad asked her if she remembered everyone who was there - me, my two younger sisters, and two of my younger brothers - and she didn't remember one of my younger sisters. That broke my heart. It took her at least two minutes to remember her.) and the worst - since she basically can't move, she has bed sores pretty much all over the back side of her body, she's even getting them on the heels of her feet, so she has bandages everywhere pretty much. She looks so small and helpless and sick when I go to check on her, and she has a sort of glazed-over look to her eyes, and she looks so pale.. that I can barely look at her without crying and even wishing it could be me that was suffering so much, and not her.

She never did anything wrong to have to go through something like this. Before she got sick she was the most amazing, wonderful, and perfect mother I could have ever asked for. She was lively, vibrant, selfless, constantly happy, and always willing to do anything for her kids. Now to go from that to seeing her like this.. Not being able to do anything for herself, having "attacks" of becoming confused and thinking she can walk when she can't and sleeping most of the day and telling me she wants to die - it isn't fair to her, not in the least bit. She deserves so much better than this. She deserves to not suffer anymore.

This hurts me to say, but I've lost all hope that she'll ever get better. It seems like since things have gotten so bad with her physically, emotionally, and mentally, that she's beyond the point of ever going back to being the woman I used to know as being the most amazing mother ever. I still constantly pray for her; I pray that the Lord will relieve her suffering, and that whatever He has in His will for my mom is perfect, because as hard as this has been on her and everyone in my family - even those who don't live anywhere near us - as long as I do have some faith left, I can take comfort in that.

I think I'm done writing for now, if you do read this thank you for doing so.

Changes

Oh hello there *waves* I know I've been waaaaay slacking on posts lately, I just haven't had much to share. But yesterday after talking with one of my closest friends, I have so much on my mind and needed an outlet to share it, so I thought what better way to do it than with my handy-dandy blog?

So yesterday, I went and had lunch with a few very good friends, some of which I hadn't seen in like months! It was a good day. Then, one of my friends (who I didn't realize how much I missed until today!) pulled me aside and sat me down so we could have a heart-to-heart, partly since we hadn't talked at all in 3 months. I told her some of the things I've been going through emotionally, and we ended up talking for 2 hours (just like old times..)

One of the things we talked about was after I told her how I didn't feel beautiful or worthy or deserving (partly because my dad calls me lazy and worthless, but I'll get to that later), she started crying because she doesn't see me the same way I see myself, but there's no way she can convince me I am anything more than the way I view myself. I thought that was interesting because it rings true for so many of us; either our friends are hurting emotionally or we are (and our friends know no matter how hard we try to hide it) or sometimes both, either because of things that have happened or because of what we've heard from others, and we can't change what we've heard or what has happened to us, and neither can anyone else, and that kinda sucks, not gonna lie.

However, we CAN change one thing. We can change what happens in the future. We can change how we feel about ourselves. I know what I need to work on in my emotional situation. I need to start trying to view myself as smart, worthy, and beautiful. I need to work on my relationship with God. I need to work on my view on many things. It will take work, I have no idea how long it's going to take, and I don't feel very confident about how it's going to turn out. But I'm a persistent person when I know what I want, and I want to stop hating myself.

So, every day, I'm going to write down one thing I like about myself that either helped me that day or maybe something I accomplished that made me feel better about myself. (That probably doesn't make any sense, but it sounded good in my head, so just roll with it for my sake haha.) I'm tired of my dad yelling at me, I'm tired of feeling inadequate, and I'm tired of hating myself. So by doing this, I hope I can eventually build up enough courage to go to my dad and tell him how I feel, something I've been afraid of doing for years.

And my challenge to you is to do the same thing. You don't have to share it with anyone; keep it in a diary, in a private document on your computer, save it to your phone, or even email it to yourself. As long as you get it out somewhere. If you feel like sharing it, that's up to you. I most likely will not be sharing mine; if I do it will be a few things I share in a blog post, either something I'm proud of or something I'm comfortable with sharing.

So that's it for now I guess, I leave you with a quote my best friend told me last night:

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

It's from Winnie The Pooh, but it has a great message. It was something I really needed to hear, because I don't always think of myself that way, but I need to, and maybe you or someone you know needs to hear it too.

A confidence booster

Oh hey that's me! :o

Ok so not much background behind this one, I was once again bored in class one day so I wrote this for myself. I did one for each of my friends too, but of course I gave them theirs so I no longer have them.

Oh look, this one has a date too: March 7th, 2007

Sarah is gorgeous and beautiful,
A great joy to be around, very
Responsible and courteous to everything,
A great help to everyone, a great
Heart resides in her, and an
Equally intelligent brain; she always
Listens to everyhting and everyone,
Ill-tempered at times but is always resentful,
Zoo animals fascinate her, she is truly an
Animal lover, she absolutely loves
Biology and is quite smart in science.
Everyone who meets her instantly loves her,
The Lord smiles on her most of the time,
Heaven is obviously her final destination.
When she goes to school, her friends are
Instantly happy to see her, they
Love to be around her because she
Loves to laugh a lot. She feels like an
Italian royalty because she feels blessed,
And she very rarely causes a
Mess. This poem truly describes
Sarah Elizabeth Williams!

I challenge you to write one of these about yourselves, it's a real confidence booster.

Song: I Am by Hilary Duff

The Laughing Princess

Ok so I was waaay bored one day in study hall, so my teacher told me to make up a story, so here ya go lol..

~~Once upon a time, there was a princess who was cursed t laugh at everything. If a peasant was denied a request, she'd laugh. If her parents got into a fight, she'd laugh. If she sat in Parliament while they were discussing something serious, she'd laugh! (You can't imagine how much her sides hurt!)
~~One day, the princess got so sick of laughing at everything that she went to the local Apothecary for something she could take to stop her constant laughing fits. The Apothecary, after listening to her laugh, told her there was nothing he could do for her, and she laughed!
~~As soon as she got home, she ran to her bedroom and sat and cried. And then, as you'd expect, she started laughing and laughing and laughing! She laughed so hard, she doubled over and fell on the floor and started laughing harder! She looked over at her mirror and saw that her face was redder than anything! She thought about non-funny things, but it made her laugh so hard that she started wheezing and her sides hurt more than anything. She tried to stop, but she couldn't!
~~Somehow, she then managed to get up and lay on her bed and empty her mind, which she thought would make her stop laughing. She eventually stopped, and a few minutes later, her parents started fighting about labor laws, and the princess realized something: She wasn't laughing! Not a peep!
~~Realizing that she had probably laughed all the laughs out of her, she started jumping up and down and singing with joy, and later, when it was time to listen to requests from the villagers, she took them seriously! When all the villagers had stated their requests and had gotten their answers, everyone in the throne room cheered, and the King and Queen hugged each other and their daughter, realizing that her curse had been lifted!
~~Later that week, the princess held her inaugural ball, for she was now queen because her parents had gotten too old to handle everything. Also, that night, the new queen met her future husband, a wealthy and handsome prince from the neighboring kingdom.
~~They married a year later and were blissfully happy, and the princess never laughed at anything serious ever again in her entire life.

~~~The End~~~

Untitled

This post is gonna be short, don't have much to say really, I promised to update every day though so here ya go.

A short poem I wrote for English class in 11th grade. And a bonus, it even has a date with it.. lol

4/27/07

Be the best person you can be
And your heart will be good and pure,
And God will surely bless thee.
If you're negative about anything
Think about how God has blesses you.

Song: Only Hope by Switchfoot

A personal experience.

Ok so this next post has a bit of background behind it, I'll try my best to sum it up.

My older sister Jenny was on a team of adults (parents in my community mostly) who took part of putting together this sort of leadership class called GAP (no, not the store!), and I wasn't sure about it at first, but now I am so glad I went. I summarized my experiences in an essay I wrote (which I got an A+ on) for my 12th grade English class.

I went to an amazing thing called GAP training over Spring Break last year. It was totally different than I was expecting. I learned surprising things about myself and others, and I met people I'll never forget.I took with me moral standards that I believe have made me a better person.
I arrived at Lakeview Camp in Waxahachie, TX (where GAP was) early on a Saturday morning. I was very tired as I sat in the "training room", but I did my best to learn and absorb as much as I could as the day went on.
That night, we (the group of teenagers and I that were there) went through an exercise where we got to give and receive honest feedback based solely upon first impressions. Jenny was on the GAP team so that means she (and the rest of the GAP team) got to give me and everyone else feedback also. The things I heard from people, even from those I didn't know, were literally like a punch in the stomach to hear because I realized how truw they were -- that I AM hurt, desperate, and withholding, yet I'm sweet, kind, and outgoing. After that exercise was over, I was so full of emotion that I cried myself to sleep.
However, the most emotional exercise I went through was on Sunday night, and it was called Lifeboat. Our team leader, Amy, gave us a situation that described us (well, each individual teenager) going on a cruise, then something goes wrong with the cruise ship and it starts to sink. There's only one lifeboat, and it only has four seats on it. After Amy described this to us, she asked each of us individually to get up in front of everyone in the room and in 30 seconds tell our name, whether or not we would be on the lifeboat, and why or why not we chose that way. I chose not to be on the lifeboat. After that, each person was given four sticks, and based on hearing what everyone said, we each gave a stick to the 4 people we thought deserved to survive. I wasn't chosen. After that, the four people who would survive sat in chairs in front of everyone, and one by one everyone else got 15 seconds to give our final messages in the hopes the four survivors would give them to our family and friends. By this point, I was bawling like a baby. Amy then told us non-survivors to close our eyes as we were laying on the floor and picture our loved ones' faces when they found out we hadn't survived. I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe. After that, the exercise was over, and we each received letters our parents had written to us as if they would never see us again. After I read my letters, I was so overcome with emotion I was speechless and yet again cried myself to sleep. I couldn't believe the things that were written to me! They were so meaningful -- both sad and happy, too.
In conclusion, I will never forget the experiences I had at GAP. Those experiences taught me to be more grateful for the people in my life. I am grateful to God for providing me with such an amazing opportunity.

Read more about GAP here.

Sweet Release

This poem was written at a very dark time in my life, I was very depressed and needed an outlet to express it. This was written almost a year ago, s I am happy to say I no longer feel this way (well, some days anyway).

A warning: Some of the material in this poem is not for someone of a squeamish stomach.

She sits in her bedroom alone

Day after day, night after night

Longing for solace or comfort.

She is filled with sadness

For reasons unknown to anyone.

She hates herself for being so sad,

For being so vulnerable all the time,

For not being stronger after tragedy.

She glances at the clock again. 1:39 A.M.

She wonders if another sleepless night,

Of sadness mixed with deep anger,

Of endless hate of her own body and mind

Filling every single inch of herself,

Will greet her this particular night.

She gets up from her bed and walks across her room.

She has thoughts swimming around in her head,

Freely going in and out of her mind, overlapping each other,

Until they can't seem to form anything sensible.

She lets the thoughts in deeper to see if they could make any sense

And feels tears well up in her big blue eyes as she should have ignored them.

Her thoughts are unexplainable really; a few of them happy but most of them unbelievably miserable

For someone of the age of sixteen. But one thing stands out more than anything else:

She feels she's let her loved ones down deeply, and she feels worthless.

She clenches her eyes shut as she feels her emotions

Begin to spiral out of control, tears streaming down her face.

She's contained them too long, put on a happy face too many times.

She's felt sad, lost, and alone for too many years.

She quietly opens her bedroom door and peeks out silently,

And tiptoes down the long wooden hallway,

Feeling along the moldings along the wall for guidance,

Until she reaches the restroom door, feeling for the brass doorknob.

She quietly turns the doorknob,

Praying the faulty hinges will be silent,

And there, barely glimmering in the dim light,

Sits the razor she'd left sitting on the counter.

She picks it up and fingers it gently,

The coolness of the metal blades making her fingers tingle.

She carefully removes one of the blades and puts it to her wrist

And stops there for a moment, praying she'll stop shaking.

She presses down, wincing a little as she breaks the skin.

She sees a little blood trickling out yet feels no pain.

The thin blade slicing into the sensitive skin of her wrist

Feels almost welcoming, almost freeing.

She continues to cut deeper and deeper,

Drawing more and more of her deep red blood,

Feeling tears spilling down her cheeks,

Yet she can't and won't stop. Nor does she want to.

She eventually passes out from blood loss

And lays dying on the smooth tiled floor

As the pool of blood around her lifeless arm grows,

And her breathing begins to get more shallow.

Eventually her pain stops, a calm smile appears on her face,

The tears no longer spilling down her pale, smooth cheeks.

She is dead to this world before the sun comes up.

Her loved ones feel an unfathomable sadness.

But her pain is over forever.

She feels no sadness.

She feels a release

As her spirit is free,

And truly awakened

From the sadness

That had been tormenting her

For so many years.

Song: Tourniquet by Evanescence.

**Disclaimer** The ending of this poem is NOT based on real events.