I want my momma back.

I know a lot of my posts recently have been about missing my mom, but this is how I try to deal with things.

I miss my mom. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her when she was alive. I'm angry, not sure at what, because she's gone and was taken away from me and my family. I'm sad and often myself crying because I miss her and I need her back. It's just not fair that she's just gone, and she can never come back. Nothing can bring her back. Her stupid illness took her away from me. I have absolutely no faith in America's health system or in scientists and doctors anymore because nothing could cure her. She was a prisoner in her own body and nobody was trying to heal her. They gave up on her. It's not fair. I would have done everything I could to try to make her better.

Before my grampa (my mom's dad) died, he would always come over to our house and talk with my mom and read Scripture to her and pray over her. I know God was listening, it's just hard to see it since my mom is gone. My grampa also told her about a vision he had. He was sitting in church, and my mom was healed and she was so beautiful, and she would walk in and come up to him from behind, with a smile on her face. He had faith that she was going to be healed. Now she can walk to him in Heaven. She can walk everywhere. I just wish she could be doing all of those things here.

I need my mom here. I so wish I could hear her voice, and see her smile, and from that I'd know everything is going to be alright. I don't see any of that now. My biggest fear is that I'll forget her. Some days I forget that she's gone, and I think "Oh, I should go call her" then, literally the second after that, my heart sinks and I remember. I really hate times like that. All it does is remind me that as long as I live, I can never hear her voice or hear her laugh or hug her or see her smile or look into her eyes ever again.

Every time I get into one of these moods, it's something different that triggers these emotions. Today, it was a song; I'll Wait For You by Joe Nichols. If you've never heard it, it's about a husband trying to do his best to get home to his wife. They're both elderly, and she's very sick. They talk on the phone as much as they can while he's trying to get home, and she shares memories with him about how she's had to wait for him before, but it didn't matter how long it took because she loved him so so much. Then, the last verse says she dies before he can get home.

The whole idea of the song makes me think of my mom and dad. Whenever he would call home from work and say he was going to be late or something, my mom was always so patient with him. She was always so loving and understanding because she knew he was providing for our family to make sure we had a good life. I could tell she was sad that he was working later, but she knew working was important to my dad. Even when she got sicker, she had such a sense of grace and dignity about her that I truly admire. My mom was my role model. She never gave up.

Some days, she would have an "MS attack" where she got confused and, for lack of a better term, not completely there. She had times when she thought she was still 19, or when she thought I was my older sister. It was always different, and none of us knew when or how it was going to happen. One night she was screaming and not making any sense at all, she was in pain but medicine couldn't help her, she would repeat the same phrase over and over. I've chosen to block out that terrible night because it hurts to remember it. Every time she had an attack it was so hard to deal with it, but we had to for her sake.

I will always, ALWAYS miss my mom. I know I'll always have my memories of her, but sometimes those memories bring pain because it makes me think I can never make new memories with her again. She's in Heaven, and she's not in pain anymore. I try so hard to cling to that fact, but I can't help but wish she were here to help me through this pain. She was always so good at that; she knew how to lift me out of my worst moods and she was so patient while I talked everything out, and she would smile her comforting, perfect smile as she helped me feel better. She will always be my momma. She'll always watch over me, and she'll always be in my heart and in my mind. I do know that, but I wish she were still alive because this is truly the hardest thing my family and I have ever had to go through.

The last chorus of the song I mentioned earlier makes me cry...

I'll wait for you at Heaven's gates
Oh I don't care how long it takes
I'll tell St. Pete I can't come in
Without my Love and my best friend
Oh this ain't nothing new
Sweetheart I'll wait for you.

I can totally hear my mom singing this to my dad. He was the love of her life, and she was the love of his life.