For the first time ever since I was little, I'm not looking forward to the future. I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or any of that. Why, you may ask? Because my momma isn't here.
Since she passed away last month, I find it very hard to look forward to much of anything anymore. She means so much to me, and she's gone from my physical world, and everyone else's. I know she's always in my heart, and she's in Heaven, and she's so happy, and that does bring me peace to some degree. I will always have the memories we shared together, and all the happiness she brought me. However it's not the same as looking into her comforting eyes, or being wrapped in her loving arms, or hearing her laugh that always made me laugh, or seeing her beautiful smile. I so wish she were here to hold me and tell me it's all going to be alright. She always made sure I never hurt as much as I hurt now. As much as all the other things I've been through in my life have hurt me, losing my mom has hurt the most. It's so hard to live without her. It's been a little over a month since she passed away, but it feels like it's been longer.
I don't like living without her. I just don't. It's too difficult. She was and still is the one person in this world who means the most to me. And she's gone. It isn't fair. If this sounds like I'm complaining, then too bad because I think I have a right to complain. If that sounds harsh then I'm sorry. It is how I feel.
I know that God wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle. I just don't see how I can handle this. There are days when I'm fine, all smiles, and happy. Then I have my days where I hear a song or read back over Facebook updates from me and my older sisters or read over my old blog posts or see, hear or smell something that brings back the slightest memory of my mom, and I lose it because I won't ever be able to share any memories with her again.
Now I'm going to go before I cry any more.
