Friday, April 29, 2011

A little positivity!

I noticed most of my posts on this blog have been sad ones. Poems about suicide, rants, or just being generally angry and sad. So, I thought I would make this post happy and positive. Good things have been happening in my life, and I forget about them because I choose to let the bad stuff overpower those good things, which I shouldn't do.

Anyway, one good thing that's happened in my life was meeting my friend Snow (using her Second Life name for various reasons!). We met after my online boyfriend at the time dumped me and got together with one of Snow's best friends. I told her what he'd done, and she started disliking him as much as I did. We bonded over it, and over other things, and long story short we're now pretty much inseparable. We talk all the time, I tell her everything and she does the same for me. I love her to death, she's so awesome and I don't know what I'd do without her! I love, respect, and admire her so much. She's one of the strongest women I know.

Another good thing that just happened recently was I broke up with my boyfriend that I'd been dating online for a little over 2 months. For the last month however, he had been having financial issues so he had to move back in with his mom. He also had to build a room in his mom's basement for him to live in. He kept making excuses as to why he wouldn't come online... "My computer is packed away until I get settled", "This is turning out to be a bigger project than I thought it would be", etc. I got tired of his excuses. I got tired of waiting for him. I deserve better than having to wait around for him to maybe text me or maybe come online. I didn't need that pressure in my life, and ending things with him was one of the better decisions I've made.

Also, I just generally love my friends. The ones in my real life and the ones in my Second Life. They're all amazing in their own ways, and there are too many to name! I so appreciate how everyone has been there for me through what I've been through. It means so much to me. Held me when I cried, talked me out of a bad mood, and countless other things. I'm grateful for every second and thankful beyond words to everyone I know.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Mood Swings...

As most of you know, I'm bipolar. For those of you who don't know, I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was in third grade. Basically, this means that I have two main moods. I'm either very happy or very sad. I suffer from mood swings that can happen at any time. I either go from happy to sad or sad to happy. Going from sad to happy doesn't happen nearly as often as I'd like it to.

Anyway, last night I was watching Scrubs, and in the episode I was watching, one of the patients got diagnosed with Leukemia. Even though it was fake, I guess it affected me more than I thought it would since I ended up having a dream later that night that I got diagnosed with Leukemia and it wasn't treatable. I woke up that night in a sweat because it scared me so badly.

While watching Scrubs, they kept playing commercials for gifts for Mother's Day. Each of those commercials made my heart sink because I realized I couldn't ever buy Mother's Day gifts for my mom ever again. I can't see her face light up when I give her flowers or anything like that. After realizing these things, I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Then today, I was sitting here thinking and realized something that made my heart sink again: I don't miss my boyfriend as much as I used to. It seems like the longer we go without talking and the longer he doesn't come online, the less I miss him. That shouldn't be happening. I should be missing him more, especially considering how much I care about him.

When my mood randomly went from good to bad tonight, these three things started running through my mind. I guess it mostly comes down to fear. Fear of always being extremely sad about my mom, fear of something being seriously wrong with me, and fear of losing him. I know I shouldn't be scared, but I can't help it.

I let things affect me a lot more than I should. I get scared so easily. I don't know how to stop any of it; it's just how I am. Changing that is easier said than done. I guess until I figure out a way to change though, I'm stuck suffering with mood swings and there's nothing I can do about it. It really sucks because I just want to be happy.