Remembering my momma

Lately, little things have been triggering memories of my momma, so I thought I'd share some of them here.

Like today for instance, my brother-in-law shared a picture of my momma on Facebook with a really sweet message and a memory about her homemade poppy seed cake. This brought back a memory of my own. My mom had this amazing recipe for poppy seed cake. She made it every once in awhile, and when she did she made a few loaves of it. One or two for us, and extras for our family friends or for people who needed it. The last time she did this I was really young, but now thinking back on it and remembering the smile on her face when she left to take the other ones she made to people, it made me realize something. My momma was so selfless. She never put herself first, when it came to making poppy seed cake or anything else.

I also remember how close she was with my her dad, my Grampa. Besides her husband and children, my Grampa meant the most to my mom. She called him every day to see how he was doing, and when he could he'd come out to our house to visit with her and read the Bible to her and pray over her. It was like her own personal Church service because after awhile she could no longer move to get into a car. I can remember so many times when I would walk by and see him holding her hand while she lay in bed and praying over her with his head bowed. It was one of the most touching sights I'd ever seen. That a father could do that for his daughter is one of the most amazing kinds of love there is if you ask me. I only hope my husband someday can be that loving to our daughter.

I've also shared other good memories of my momma in previous blog posts. For some reason, every time I remember the good things about my mom, I end up crying, sad, or teary-eyed. I guess the reason for this is because thinking of the good memories always reminds me that she's gone and I can't make any new good memories with her. I wish I could stop thinking like that, but it's easier said than done. I think it's been getting easier with time, because I'm sad about it a lot less than I used to be. I don't know though, I guess only time will tell what happens.

Mother's Day

Today is an extremely bittersweet day for me. As most of you know, my mom passed away in October, so today is my family's first Mother's Day without her. Also, a couple of weeks before my mom passed away, my older sister Jenny became a mother for the first time when she adopted a baby girl, so it's also her first Mother's Day as a momma.

So can you see why it's bittersweet? Yeah I'm not sure what to feel today.

I'm of course sad because I miss my mom. I miss her every single day, and while it has been getting somewhat easier as time has passed, missing her still hurts. All of the first holidays without her have been rough... Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and I think they're going to continue to be rough (for me at least) for the rest of this first year without her. I'm grieving her in my own way, and to me what I've been doing is a healthy way to grieve. I'll more than likely always miss my momma until I can see her again in Heaven someday, but days like today hurt because I can't make any new memories with her.

On the other hand though, I'm very happy for my sister, I have been ever since I found out she was going to adopt a baby girl. Jenny is one of the most deserving, selfless, and caring people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she's my sister or because I feel like I have to. I really and truly mean it. So far Jenny has been an amazing mother, her daughter is gorgeous and one of the best-behaved 7-month-olds I've ever seen. Jenny pretty much spoils her. A baby is one thing she's wanted for years, and when she first brought home baby Rachel I knew she was going to be one of the best moms out there.

I kind of wonder if all Mother's Days from now on are going to feel like this. A mix of emotions because I'm not sure how to feel. I think it's okay to feel both happy and sad today. Maybe somewhere in between? I'm not going to spend the day in bed crying, but I more than likely won't be jumping for joy either (especially since I don't jump). I hope Mother's Day gets easier to figure out in time though, because I don't like being confused about how to feel.

Oh... one more thing. I forgot to mention all of the people in my life who are mommas. My other older sister Julie, some of my friends, and various other family members who would take awhile to name! I love every single one of you who are reading this, and I hope everyone has an extremely blessed and wonderful Mother's Day.