Unsure

For some reason it doesn't feel like Christmas is coming. Yes our tree is up and the holiday movies have been playing and Christmas music has been playing and most of the presents are wrapped and it's cold and all that, but it doesn't feel like Christmas. I think it's because my mom isn't here to celebrate it with us.

A friend told me that whatever I feel having to do with my mom and this time of year, be it happy or sad, is okay.. so.. I feel sad and like no one understands what I feel. I don't want to sound mean, but whenever I see people talk about their moms and how amazing they are, it makes me sad because I can't share anything new with my mom. Not saying that people don't have a right to say whatever they want, I'm just saying this the only way I know how.

I have a feeling that I'll always miss my mom for the rest of my life, and nothing will ever feel the same, especially the holidays. My mom always loved Christmas too. I remember last year, she was in either a hospital or nursing home (I can't remember which it was, she went to so many of both) around this time, but the doctors thought she was well enough to come home for Christmas. I was thrilled, as was my family. I wish she could be here for this Christmas, I miss her so much. It doesn't feel right to celebrate it without her.

In fact, nothing feels right without her. Going about my daily life and tasks doesn't feel right. On the other hand though, what else am I supposed to do? I couldn't possibly lay in bed, dwell on this tragedy, and cry all day. I know my mom wouldn't want that, I know she would want me to be happy. It's just hard to be happy around Christmas because she loved it so much.

Even when she got sicker, her face would light up and she would smile all morning as she watched me and my siblings rip into the bows and colored wrapping paper on the gifts that she and my older sister had so carefully picked out for each of us. She lightened the room with her smile and laughter. That's one of the things I loved most about her.

I guess all I can do is try to be as happy as I can and remember that my mom is here with me in spirit, she's always in my heart, and I still have my memories of and with her. I will hold her close to my heart and pray and ask the Lord to give my mom a hug in Heaven for me on Christmas for me, since I can't. Without my faith I don't know where I'd be, but that's a whole other story.