Can't break free until I let it go.

Yesterday, as some of you know, I went to Six Flags. It was my second time to go in my whole life (the first was when I was a baby, so I don't remember it) so of course I was excited. Our youth pastor (I went with my youth group) passed out our tickets and said we were going on the Titan first.

We walked to it and waited in line for probably about an hour or more, then it was FINALLY time to get on! I was so excited. I'd never ridden a roller coaster before, and I was going to ride in the front two seats of the Titan with my friend Laura. I was pretty pumped, but my heart was racing. Laura told me that was normal, so I wasn't too worried.

I sat down in the seat, put the bar down, and realized it wouldn't go down all the way. I adjusted myself a little, and it still wouldn't. The lady that was helping out walked over and told me I couldn't ride because the restraint wasn't down far enough. I don't think anyone can imagine the embarrassment I felt when I had to climb out of the ride and go wait for my friends to finish riding.

I put my hood up over my head (it was cold so I had my hoodie on), stood in the corner outside the gate, and did my best to not break down crying, although it didn't work out so well since within minutes I had tears streaming down my face and my breath was getting shaky. My mood darkened. I immediately started feeling sad, depressed, angry, embarrassed, and paranoid.

Mostly though, I was feeling embarrassed. I couldn't believe that, to be blunt, I'm too big to ride the freaking Titan. After Laura finished riding, she came over to find me and tried her best to make me feel better, but it didn't work that well. I love her for trying, but I sunk into a dark mood, and once I'm in a dark mood, it's very, very hard to get me out of it.

What is the reason for this, you may ask? Well, that's simple. I'm bipolar, which means I'm either very happy or very depressed. Nothing sets these mood swings off really, and they can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a whole day or longer (for me at least). It sucks, but there isn't anything at this moment that I can do about it. I feel helpless.

It seems like lately, my moods are mostly dark and sad. It could be because I'm not happy with myself, it could be because of my home situation, I don't really know. It seems like as time goes on, I get sadder and sadder, and it's not fair. I just want to be happy, but it's almost as if I don't know how to be.

I don't know what else to say really, just that I hate being sad.