Thinking of the future... and the past.

I've been thinking about the future today. I've been thinking about the fact that my mom isn't here anymore, and she's not going to be here for anything really.

She's not going to be here for the holiday season this year, or for any of them ever again.
She's not going to see my siblings grow up; graduating high school, graduating college, entering important times in their lives... She can't give any of us hugs or kind words when we do well at something. None of it.

I know she's in Heaven; she's home, like she wanted for so long, and she will always watch over me and my family. It's not the same though. She's not here, and I can never hug her again. I don't even remember the last time I hugged her, or my last words to her.

I feel guilty. There, I said it. I feel like I didn't see her enough, I didn't talk to her enough, I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her. I never got the chance to apologize for being a bad daughter, or for the fights we had, or for not getting her pain medicine quickly enough when she was laying in bed crying. I didn't tell her enough how wonderful she was, or how amazing a mother she was. The truth is, she was the best mother I could have asked for, and a better mother than I deserved sometimes.

She was amazing. I remember so many times where the kids had gone to bed, and so had my dad, and I went out to our living room (where my mom's reclining chair that she used to always sit in was) and we talked for hours, about anything and everything. She would tell me memories of her childhood, like how her mother always used to brush her hair; she told me how, when, and where she met my dad; she told me how he proposed to her; she told me so many wonderful things that made me so proud and amazed to be able to call her my mom. She was such a wonderful person, an amazing mother, and a best friend. I could go to her about anything, and she would help me through it, like a mom should, but she had a way of doing it that made me feel more loved than anything.

I know that I am going to miss her for the rest of my life. I will never forget her. The day that I can hug her again when I get to Heaven will be the happiest thing I can ever experience. I need to remember that she will always be with me, but it's not the same as hearing her voice or seeing her face or being able to hug her. I will always love her.