A Fragile Heart.

Why is it that I’m still hurting?
Why is it that I’m so depressed?
Why is it that I feel so guilty?
Why am I never happy?

Can’t a girl get a break here?
Can I have one day of not being miserable?
Will my heart be broken forever?
Will I ever be happy again?

How come I want to scream “It’s not fair!”?
How come I feel pain physically, mentally, and emotionally?
Why am I so mistreated?
Why is my heart so broken?

“Someone said ‘A broken heart would sting at first, then make you stronger.’ You wonder why this pain remains… Were hearts made whole just to break?”

If anyone figures out the answers to any of these questions, or figures out how to mend my fragile heart, let me know. I’ve tried to figure it out on my own; I’ve tried to be strong. But I fail. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

A True Friend.

There's something I've been thinking about. Or rather, someone.

There's this girl, and her name is Brianna Iverson. We met when I first went to my new school in 9th grade. I was alone, a bit intimidated, somewhat scared, and I had no friends. I would come into the cafeteria every day looking for a place to sit, and she and the other girls who soon became my friends always made room for me. I felt wanted, and like I belonged. Little did I know how amazing of a friend Brianna would be.

Through our high school years, her and I became closer. I didn't have my license so she would drive me home from school and to go hang out at her house and things like that. We talked a lot, about anything and everything. She told me things she'd never told anyone; and I did the same. (For privacy reasons, I won't repeat what she told me.) I told her my concerns with my mom, and she listened and gave me the best advice she could, even though she didn't know what I was going through. She became almost like a sister to me.

The summer after our senior year of high school was a tough one. She had decided that there was a Bible college in Iowa that she wanted to go to because other members of her family had gone there and it was a really good school. I was so happy for her - still am - but the only problem is, Iowa and Texas are about 1,000 miles apart, so I knew this meant I wouldn't see her for awhile. She spent the semester there, then came down for Christmas break. Due to personal reasons, she didn't go back. I was happy to have her back since we were so close, but my heart hurt for her because of what she was going through. I really tried my best to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on and an embrace she could feel safe in.

The summer after - this last summer, actually - we spent more time together. We went to Church, we hung out, and we went to camp together with other members of our church. Then, I found out something heartbreaking: She was going back to Iowa to live with her aunt and uncle and attend a community college up there. I was very sad, and the night before she left (it was a Wednesday night; we were at Church) we spent awhile talking and hugging and exchanging addresses and things like that. After she left, we talked a few times over the phone, and I missed her terribly. She found out what happened to my mom, and she started calling me every day to check on me, starting last Tuesday.

Whenever we talk, she tells me about her life up there and what she's doing and the different things she had planned. She's very busy, and I was talking to my sister Jenny on the phone today and realized something. Brianna always seems to make time to call me and talk to me, even with her busy schedule. She's a true friend and loves me very much even though she's so far away. She wants to make sure I'm okay, and I hope she knows I appreciate that. I really do. She has in many ways become my best friend, and like a sister to me when I needed it most and needed someone outside of my family to talk to about what I have been going through emotionally and spiritually.

It's crazy what a tragedy like losing a parent can make you realize, and how it can make you think. I've opened my eyes to so many things and have thought so differently, but that's a whole other blog post.

Brianna is a true friend. She's going to call me today, and I am going to love every second of talking to her. I want to challenge the few of you that read my blog. Call your best friend and tell him/her how much they mean to you. It might just brighten their day and bring a moment of clarity or relief from what they might be going through, much like Brianna has done for me.

So overwhelmed...

I felt like I had to write this down...

My older sisters, Jenny and Julie, have been sorting through my mom's belongings today, and they found something really interesting, and very special.

For awhile when I was growing up, I loved American Girl dolls, and I had one (I had Samantha) and was really excited when the company came out with a different collection, called Girls of Many Lands, I loved how pretty they were. For my thirteenth birthday, I got the one from England:

I was very pleased with it; always making sure I took excellent care of it, and reading the book that came with her over and over, loving her story, looking at the doll and loving the dress she came in.

Well, today, like I said my sisters were going through my mom's belongings... and they found four of the other dolls; from India, China, Ireland, and France.

France

Ireland

India

China

After seeing these, my dad told me that my mom had been planning to give them to me one at a time for each of my birthdays until I turned eighteen. Even though she's gone, she still wanted me to have them. I feel like she gave them to me from Heaven, since I finally got them today. I hope she knows that I will always, ALWAYS take care of them, because I feel like with these dolls, a part of her is still here with me.

Thinking of the future... and the past.

I've been thinking about the future today. I've been thinking about the fact that my mom isn't here anymore, and she's not going to be here for anything really.

She's not going to be here for the holiday season this year, or for any of them ever again.
She's not going to see my siblings grow up; graduating high school, graduating college, entering important times in their lives... She can't give any of us hugs or kind words when we do well at something. None of it.

I know she's in Heaven; she's home, like she wanted for so long, and she will always watch over me and my family. It's not the same though. She's not here, and I can never hug her again. I don't even remember the last time I hugged her, or my last words to her.

I feel guilty. There, I said it. I feel like I didn't see her enough, I didn't talk to her enough, I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her. I never got the chance to apologize for being a bad daughter, or for the fights we had, or for not getting her pain medicine quickly enough when she was laying in bed crying. I didn't tell her enough how wonderful she was, or how amazing a mother she was. The truth is, she was the best mother I could have asked for, and a better mother than I deserved sometimes.

She was amazing. I remember so many times where the kids had gone to bed, and so had my dad, and I went out to our living room (where my mom's reclining chair that she used to always sit in was) and we talked for hours, about anything and everything. She would tell me memories of her childhood, like how her mother always used to brush her hair; she told me how, when, and where she met my dad; she told me how he proposed to her; she told me so many wonderful things that made me so proud and amazed to be able to call her my mom. She was such a wonderful person, an amazing mother, and a best friend. I could go to her about anything, and she would help me through it, like a mom should, but she had a way of doing it that made me feel more loved than anything.

I know that I am going to miss her for the rest of my life. I will never forget her. The day that I can hug her again when I get to Heaven will be the happiest thing I can ever experience. I need to remember that she will always be with me, but it's not the same as hearing her voice or seeing her face or being able to hug her. I will always love her.

What my dad said at my mom's funeral.

I was so emotional yesterday that I forgot to mention what my dad said in my last blog post :( I'm sorry daddy!

This was while we were at the cemetery. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember most of it. "She was my precious baby. She still is. I was thinking about what to put on her tombstone, and I couldn't think of anything that would honor her." Then he got teary-eyed and said something like "Sleep well, my precious baby." while looking at her casket.

I've been thinking of how hard this week has been on him. He's completely changed. He has mood swings, he's lost and confused, and completely depressed. They met when my mom was 16, he was 18, and they were married for over 40 years. His plot is going to be next to my mom's when he passes away. I really, really hope it's not anytime soon, because even as much as he yells at me, I need my daddy and I love him very much.

Now I have to stop writing before I start crying too hard to see the keyboard. I love you guys.

My Mom's Funeral and My Memories of Her.

Today, October 22nd, 2010 was my mom's funeral and the day that she was put to rest. It was a beautiful service, and my mom would have been pleased. It really honored her and the woman she was. The things that were said about her were perfect. One thing, was my aunt Linda (one of my dad's sisters) couldn't be there, so she had my aunt Judy (my dad's twin sister) read a message from her. It contained a few memories that my aunt Linda had of my mom, and at the end it said "Heaven is a beautiful place, but it's even more beautiful now that she's there". That made me cry, because it's so true.

My mom was such an elegant lady, she was gracious and always had a sense of dignity about her, even when she got sicker. She never complained about being in pain. She was always ready and willing to do whatever it took to keep her family happy. She was selfless and kind, and the best mom I could have ever asked for.

Today was so emotional. My cousin Holly sang and played I Can Only Imagine on her guitar, and I got teary-eyed because my mom doesn't have to imagine what Heaven is going to be like. She's there, and she gets to experience the wonder of it firsthand. The things my uncle John said about her were so fitting. He read her accomplishments to us, and some things that she did I didn't know, and they amazed me to hear them. She worked for The 700 Club, at one point she had her own business, she and some of her friends got together and wrote a cookbook full of their recipes, and she had 9 children and 7 grandchildren, among many other wonderful things.

When we were at the cemetery.. oh gosh, that was emotional. After the pastor read a few verses of Scripture and prayed over my mom, he opened the floor to let some of us share memories of my mom. I didn't get the chance to, but so many other people did, including my cousin Christine, and she talked about how my mom was always so stylish, she always wore her hair really high and Christine would try to imitate it with her hair. She also talked about how when her mom got sick, she went to my mom for comfort, and they would do things together, like my mom hand-made Christine's clothes when she was a little girl. She also recalled the time when she went to visit my mom a few months ago when she was in the same nursing home as Christine's mom, and instead of talking about herself, she asked Christine how her mom was doing.

Then my brother-in-law Josh spoke, and he said "She was my mom, and I was her son. She always made me feel welcome and like I was a first member of this family.". And it really is true, he called her Mom, like the rest of us did. She loved him so much, and he loved her. My little sister Hope also got the chance to speak. She didn't say very much before she couldn't handle it and started crying, but what she did say was so sweet: "I remember whenever I would cry, I went to momma and sat with her and she snuggled me, and I loved her very much." At this point she started crying. My uncle James (my mom's brother) spoke also, and he said that my mom wouldn't want us to be sad, that she's not here physically; she's in our hearts and always will be.

Then, my sister Julie spoke. She talked about my mom and shared good memories of her as well, and she was crying so hard. She told about how on Sunday, she was with my mom when she was in pain, but my mom didn't complain about being sick, she apologized for not being well and for not being around for us like she should be. She was amazing like that. Julie said she hoped she could be as good a woman as my mom was. She was also there when my mom passed away. Julie saw an angel of the Lord in the room, and she talked to him, and then she saw him take my mom with him to Heaven. She saw it all. At this point she was crying so hard that she couldn't speak anymore. Then we all cried and prayed for a few more minutes, and it was over. Before we left, I went to stand next to my mom's casket for a moment to whisper "I love you mommy, I'll see you soon." and I offered up a prayer: "Lord, she's in Your hands now. I trust you completely, take care of my momma." then we left, and I kept my eye on her casket and the people that were lowering her into the ground for as long as I could, making sure they took care of her like she deserved.

My mom was really such an amazing woman. She was the best mom I could have ever asked for. She always made sure her family was happy before herself, even when she got sicker. I miss her and love her so so much, and I'll always miss her, until I get to Heaven someday and get to hug her and never let go.

This verse so describes my mom:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

~~ Proverbs 31:10-31

Realizations.

There have been a few things I've been thinking about since yesterday, which is kind of a nice change from laying in bed crying all day like I did on Tuesday. What I've come to realize is, God really does have control over it all.

How I came to realize this, was when yesterday I was out to lunch with my dad and Jenny, and Jenny's daughter Rachel came up. I got to thinking... Rachel was born about 3 weeks early, so Jenny's work (she's a nurse) gave her this month off. So I thought, maybe Rachel was born early for a purpose. The Lord knew this was going to happen, so He wanted to make sure Jenny was here to help my family through this rough time. I'm so grateful for her and I am glad that she's been here.

Also, I went to Church last night, something I haven't been able to do often because I haven't had a ride. Anyway, I went, and the worship team played a song called Overcome by The Desperation Band. I listened to the lyrics, and they really got to me, especially this part:

We will overcome
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome

I was singing along and listening to the words, and instantly a realization hit me. I CAN overcome this tragedy. It's terrible, and my heart is broken. But it was in God's plan, and He will be my comfort and my strength. After worship was over, the pastor told us to get chairs (we're a small church) and told us to sit in a circle. He said he'd had a message prepared, but God spoke to his heart and had a change of plans. So, he ended up opening the floor for questions, comments, and discussions, and I got the chance to share with my close friends about my mom, and even though I ended up crying, it brought me comfort to know that they're there for me as well, especially when they surrounded me and prayed for my family and me.

Then, when I got home, one of my best friends tagged me in a picture of a sunset and put it with this Bible verse:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~~Psalm 73:26

Truthfully, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. God is my strength, He is the one constant in my life, and He will help me through this tragedy.

One song that has kept me going is Never Alone by BarlowGirl. Since my mom passed away, I've felt so alone, and listening to this song has made me realize that I'm NOT alone, that God is always with me.

I cried out with no reply,
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know:
You're here, and I'm never alone.

With my situation right now, truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for reading as I've poured my heart out, I love you guys.

Utter disbelief.

I'm sitting here in tears as I write this. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My mom passed away not long after midnight this morning. She lost her 9-year-long battle with Multiple Sclerosis.

She got diagnosed in 2001. I didn't think much of it because, for one thing, I was young. Over the last 4 or 5 years, she constantly got worse. It got to the point where she couldn't walk, stand, sit up, clean up after herself, or even roll over in bed. She couldn't see, and she had trouble remembering a lot of things, including the names of me and my siblings. She was a prisoner in her own body, and it wasn't fair to her or anyone else in my family. It's not fair that she's gone. Out of everyone in the world, my mom meant the most to me. She was always there for me. Even though she was bed-ridden, she came to my high school graduation.

This year, she lost both her dad (in June) and her mom (earlier this month). That had to have been so hard on her. She loved her parents deeply. Losing them was hard on me too. My grampa had talked for so long about how ready he was to go home to Heaven. I miss him very much. My grandma had Alzheimer's, and the disease took her after a very long battle with it. I miss her as well.

Now my mom is in Heaven with both of them, and her brother who died 20 years ago. She's no longer in pain, she's not miserable, she's not bed-ridden. She's finally happy again. She's probably smiling and laughing and dancing and rejoicing because she's not sick anymore. I miss her so much, and it will take me awhile to get through this. I can't imagine a world without her, she was a big part of my life for so long. She adopted me and took me in and loved me. I have so many happy memories of times her and I had together. I have to remember them as best as I can.

My family and I need good thoughts and prayers. I know I've done my share of crying today. I haven't stopped crying since last night. My brother came up to my room and knocked on my door saying "Sarah, get dressed, Jenny has to go to the hospital to be with mom and you have to go to her house and watch Faith and Rachel." (By the way, Faith and Jenny are my sisters, and Rachel is jenny's daughter.) I sat and waited and cried for about an hour and a half waiting and worrying, not being able to concentrate on anything else. I knew she was unstable from what Jenny had told me. Her blood pressure had been dropping, and so had pretty much everything else. The doctors gave her liquids to try to raise everything back up. She had been in pain for the last 2 days, and nothing could help it. When Jenny got back to the house, she didn't say anything at first. I was sitting down, and she walked in, handed me a tissue (and got one for herself), and sat down. I asked her "How's mom?" (Or something like that, it's kind of a blur), and she got this look in her eyes that I will never forget and she said "Before I got to the hospital, momma went to be with the Lord." Then we both broke down crying. Through our tears, I asked her how it happened, and asked if she had gone in pain. Jenny said that her blood pressure had just dropped and slowed down until it stopped, and she didn't go in pain. My mom wasn't alone when she passed away either. My other sister Julie and her husband were there. I can at least be comforted that she wasn't alone. I will never forget her. Mommy, I love you so so much, and I always will. <3