As most of you know, I'm bipolar. For those of you who don't know, I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was in third grade. Basically, this means that I have two main moods. I'm either very happy or very sad. I suffer from mood swings that can happen at any time. I either go from happy to sad or sad to happy. Going from sad to happy doesn't happen nearly as often as I'd like it to.
Anyway, last night I was watching Scrubs, and in the episode I was watching, one of the patients got diagnosed with Leukemia. Even though it was fake, I guess it affected me more than I thought it would since I ended up having a dream later that night that I got diagnosed with Leukemia and it wasn't treatable. I woke up that night in a sweat because it scared me so badly.
While watching Scrubs, they kept playing commercials for gifts for Mother's Day. Each of those commercials made my heart sink because I realized I couldn't ever buy Mother's Day gifts for my mom ever again. I can't see her face light up when I give her flowers or anything like that. After realizing these things, I ended up crying myself to sleep.
Then today, I was sitting here thinking and realized something that made my heart sink again: I don't miss my boyfriend as much as I used to. It seems like the longer we go without talking and the longer he doesn't come online, the less I miss him. That shouldn't be happening. I should be missing him more, especially considering how much I care about him.
When my mood randomly went from good to bad tonight, these three things started running through my mind. I guess it mostly comes down to fear. Fear of always being extremely sad about my mom, fear of something being seriously wrong with me, and fear of losing him. I know I shouldn't be scared, but I can't help it.
I let things affect me a lot more than I should. I get scared so easily. I don't know how to stop any of it; it's just how I am. Changing that is easier said than done. I guess until I figure out a way to change though, I'm stuck suffering with mood swings and there's nothing I can do about it. It really sucks because I just want to be happy.
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