Random Writings/Ramblings

I know it's been awhile, but I just didn't know what to write about. And today I'm bored (as usual), so I'm just randomly writing.

Being engaged in Second Life has been one of the most exciting, scary, thrilling, and sad to say drama-filled experiences of my entire life. I've found someone who loves me for me; short temper, mood swings, and imperfect self-image included. He does love me, yes, but sometimes it's been hard to hold on to him. I've fought my hardest to keep him. I'm not giving up on him, although almost everybody I've talked to tells me I should. I'm a crazy girl, I'm in love, deeply, passionately, movingly, head-over-heels in love with this man. I couldn't be happier that we're married, the big day is in less than 2 weeks; thinking about that makes me excited, but then I remember how much I still have to do. Invitations, song playlist, flowers.. *sigh* it's a bit overwhelming, and my fiancee says he doesn't care, but I know he just says that to mess with me. He's fun like that, he stays up with me and Ade into the latest hours of the night playing Greedy Greedy, or listening to me sing along to my music, or laughing when I accidentally pull my hair. He laughs in a playful way and agrees with me and Ade that I need a padded room and a helmet. He's fun, something I've needed lately.

Also, if we were forced to live a life without music, I couldn't do it. Music is such a big part of my life. I'm listening to music as I write this; my iPod is always playing - more than likely the same handful of songs over and over, even though I have almost 2,000 songs on there, but those few songs are I guess you could say my comfort zone songs. I have different playlists - songs that are upbeat for dancing, songs that are more toned down and calming, love songs, songs that remind me of my fiancee.. Well you get the idea. Lately, the few songs I've been, well, for lack of a better term, obsessed with, are Never Alone (the acoustic mix) by BarlowGirl, All Around Me by Flyleaf, Missing by Evanescence, TiK ToK by Ke$ha, Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus, Only Hope by Mandy Moore, and Telephone by Lady Gaga. Each song has significance for me, each song represents either something I like to think about myself or something I need to be reminded of or just a song with a good beat that I can get up and dance to when I have a random burst of energy at 1:00 in the morning.

Basically these days, my days consist of talking to my friends (mostly Ade, as she is my best friend/maid of honor); talking to my fiancee; making wedding plans; trying my damnedest to make money for wedding pictures, various rents, and my seemingly incurable shopping habit; listening to music; and worrying and praying for my mom.

My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. She's been sick with it since 2001, and I barely remember what she was like before she got sick. She's lost most of her sight (she's legally blind), she can't walk, stand, sit up, or even roll over by herself, she's lost some of her hearing which causes her to talk very softly, a lot of her memory is gone, (I can remember one incident when she was in the hospital, and my family and I went to visit her, and my dad asked her if she remembered everyone who was there - me, my two younger sisters, and two of my younger brothers - and she didn't remember one of my younger sisters. That broke my heart. It took her at least two minutes to remember her.) and the worst - since she basically can't move, she has bed sores pretty much all over the back side of her body, she's even getting them on the heels of her feet, so she has bandages everywhere pretty much. She looks so small and helpless and sick when I go to check on her, and she has a sort of glazed-over look to her eyes, and she looks so pale.. that I can barely look at her without crying and even wishing it could be me that was suffering so much, and not her.

She never did anything wrong to have to go through something like this. Before she got sick she was the most amazing, wonderful, and perfect mother I could have ever asked for. She was lively, vibrant, selfless, constantly happy, and always willing to do anything for her kids. Now to go from that to seeing her like this.. Not being able to do anything for herself, having "attacks" of becoming confused and thinking she can walk when she can't and sleeping most of the day and telling me she wants to die - it isn't fair to her, not in the least bit. She deserves so much better than this. She deserves to not suffer anymore.

This hurts me to say, but I've lost all hope that she'll ever get better. It seems like since things have gotten so bad with her physically, emotionally, and mentally, that she's beyond the point of ever going back to being the woman I used to know as being the most amazing mother ever. I still constantly pray for her; I pray that the Lord will relieve her suffering, and that whatever He has in His will for my mom is perfect, because as hard as this has been on her and everyone in my family - even those who don't live anywhere near us - as long as I do have some faith left, I can take comfort in that.

I think I'm done writing for now, if you do read this thank you for doing so.

Changes

Oh hello there *waves* I know I've been waaaaay slacking on posts lately, I just haven't had much to share. But yesterday after talking with one of my closest friends, I have so much on my mind and needed an outlet to share it, so I thought what better way to do it than with my handy-dandy blog?

So yesterday, I went and had lunch with a few very good friends, some of which I hadn't seen in like months! It was a good day. Then, one of my friends (who I didn't realize how much I missed until today!) pulled me aside and sat me down so we could have a heart-to-heart, partly since we hadn't talked at all in 3 months. I told her some of the things I've been going through emotionally, and we ended up talking for 2 hours (just like old times..)

One of the things we talked about was after I told her how I didn't feel beautiful or worthy or deserving (partly because my dad calls me lazy and worthless, but I'll get to that later), she started crying because she doesn't see me the same way I see myself, but there's no way she can convince me I am anything more than the way I view myself. I thought that was interesting because it rings true for so many of us; either our friends are hurting emotionally or we are (and our friends know no matter how hard we try to hide it) or sometimes both, either because of things that have happened or because of what we've heard from others, and we can't change what we've heard or what has happened to us, and neither can anyone else, and that kinda sucks, not gonna lie.

However, we CAN change one thing. We can change what happens in the future. We can change how we feel about ourselves. I know what I need to work on in my emotional situation. I need to start trying to view myself as smart, worthy, and beautiful. I need to work on my relationship with God. I need to work on my view on many things. It will take work, I have no idea how long it's going to take, and I don't feel very confident about how it's going to turn out. But I'm a persistent person when I know what I want, and I want to stop hating myself.

So, every day, I'm going to write down one thing I like about myself that either helped me that day or maybe something I accomplished that made me feel better about myself. (That probably doesn't make any sense, but it sounded good in my head, so just roll with it for my sake haha.) I'm tired of my dad yelling at me, I'm tired of feeling inadequate, and I'm tired of hating myself. So by doing this, I hope I can eventually build up enough courage to go to my dad and tell him how I feel, something I've been afraid of doing for years.

And my challenge to you is to do the same thing. You don't have to share it with anyone; keep it in a diary, in a private document on your computer, save it to your phone, or even email it to yourself. As long as you get it out somewhere. If you feel like sharing it, that's up to you. I most likely will not be sharing mine; if I do it will be a few things I share in a blog post, either something I'm proud of or something I'm comfortable with sharing.

So that's it for now I guess, I leave you with a quote my best friend told me last night:

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

It's from Winnie The Pooh, but it has a great message. It was something I really needed to hear, because I don't always think of myself that way, but I need to, and maybe you or someone you know needs to hear it too.

A confidence booster

Oh hey that's me! :o

Ok so not much background behind this one, I was once again bored in class one day so I wrote this for myself. I did one for each of my friends too, but of course I gave them theirs so I no longer have them.

Oh look, this one has a date too: March 7th, 2007

Sarah is gorgeous and beautiful,
A great joy to be around, very
Responsible and courteous to everything,
A great help to everyone, a great
Heart resides in her, and an
Equally intelligent brain; she always
Listens to everyhting and everyone,
Ill-tempered at times but is always resentful,
Zoo animals fascinate her, she is truly an
Animal lover, she absolutely loves
Biology and is quite smart in science.
Everyone who meets her instantly loves her,
The Lord smiles on her most of the time,
Heaven is obviously her final destination.
When she goes to school, her friends are
Instantly happy to see her, they
Love to be around her because she
Loves to laugh a lot. She feels like an
Italian royalty because she feels blessed,
And she very rarely causes a
Mess. This poem truly describes
Sarah Elizabeth Williams!

I challenge you to write one of these about yourselves, it's a real confidence booster.

Song: I Am by Hilary Duff

The Laughing Princess

Ok so I was waaay bored one day in study hall, so my teacher told me to make up a story, so here ya go lol..

~~Once upon a time, there was a princess who was cursed t laugh at everything. If a peasant was denied a request, she'd laugh. If her parents got into a fight, she'd laugh. If she sat in Parliament while they were discussing something serious, she'd laugh! (You can't imagine how much her sides hurt!)
~~One day, the princess got so sick of laughing at everything that she went to the local Apothecary for something she could take to stop her constant laughing fits. The Apothecary, after listening to her laugh, told her there was nothing he could do for her, and she laughed!
~~As soon as she got home, she ran to her bedroom and sat and cried. And then, as you'd expect, she started laughing and laughing and laughing! She laughed so hard, she doubled over and fell on the floor and started laughing harder! She looked over at her mirror and saw that her face was redder than anything! She thought about non-funny things, but it made her laugh so hard that she started wheezing and her sides hurt more than anything. She tried to stop, but she couldn't!
~~Somehow, she then managed to get up and lay on her bed and empty her mind, which she thought would make her stop laughing. She eventually stopped, and a few minutes later, her parents started fighting about labor laws, and the princess realized something: She wasn't laughing! Not a peep!
~~Realizing that she had probably laughed all the laughs out of her, she started jumping up and down and singing with joy, and later, when it was time to listen to requests from the villagers, she took them seriously! When all the villagers had stated their requests and had gotten their answers, everyone in the throne room cheered, and the King and Queen hugged each other and their daughter, realizing that her curse had been lifted!
~~Later that week, the princess held her inaugural ball, for she was now queen because her parents had gotten too old to handle everything. Also, that night, the new queen met her future husband, a wealthy and handsome prince from the neighboring kingdom.
~~They married a year later and were blissfully happy, and the princess never laughed at anything serious ever again in her entire life.

~~~The End~~~

Untitled

This post is gonna be short, don't have much to say really, I promised to update every day though so here ya go.

A short poem I wrote for English class in 11th grade. And a bonus, it even has a date with it.. lol

4/27/07

Be the best person you can be
And your heart will be good and pure,
And God will surely bless thee.
If you're negative about anything
Think about how God has blesses you.

Song: Only Hope by Switchfoot

A personal experience.

Ok so this next post has a bit of background behind it, I'll try my best to sum it up.

My older sister Jenny was on a team of adults (parents in my community mostly) who took part of putting together this sort of leadership class called GAP (no, not the store!), and I wasn't sure about it at first, but now I am so glad I went. I summarized my experiences in an essay I wrote (which I got an A+ on) for my 12th grade English class.

I went to an amazing thing called GAP training over Spring Break last year. It was totally different than I was expecting. I learned surprising things about myself and others, and I met people I'll never forget.I took with me moral standards that I believe have made me a better person.
I arrived at Lakeview Camp in Waxahachie, TX (where GAP was) early on a Saturday morning. I was very tired as I sat in the "training room", but I did my best to learn and absorb as much as I could as the day went on.
That night, we (the group of teenagers and I that were there) went through an exercise where we got to give and receive honest feedback based solely upon first impressions. Jenny was on the GAP team so that means she (and the rest of the GAP team) got to give me and everyone else feedback also. The things I heard from people, even from those I didn't know, were literally like a punch in the stomach to hear because I realized how truw they were -- that I AM hurt, desperate, and withholding, yet I'm sweet, kind, and outgoing. After that exercise was over, I was so full of emotion that I cried myself to sleep.
However, the most emotional exercise I went through was on Sunday night, and it was called Lifeboat. Our team leader, Amy, gave us a situation that described us (well, each individual teenager) going on a cruise, then something goes wrong with the cruise ship and it starts to sink. There's only one lifeboat, and it only has four seats on it. After Amy described this to us, she asked each of us individually to get up in front of everyone in the room and in 30 seconds tell our name, whether or not we would be on the lifeboat, and why or why not we chose that way. I chose not to be on the lifeboat. After that, each person was given four sticks, and based on hearing what everyone said, we each gave a stick to the 4 people we thought deserved to survive. I wasn't chosen. After that, the four people who would survive sat in chairs in front of everyone, and one by one everyone else got 15 seconds to give our final messages in the hopes the four survivors would give them to our family and friends. By this point, I was bawling like a baby. Amy then told us non-survivors to close our eyes as we were laying on the floor and picture our loved ones' faces when they found out we hadn't survived. I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe. After that, the exercise was over, and we each received letters our parents had written to us as if they would never see us again. After I read my letters, I was so overcome with emotion I was speechless and yet again cried myself to sleep. I couldn't believe the things that were written to me! They were so meaningful -- both sad and happy, too.
In conclusion, I will never forget the experiences I had at GAP. Those experiences taught me to be more grateful for the people in my life. I am grateful to God for providing me with such an amazing opportunity.

Read more about GAP here.

Sweet Release

This poem was written at a very dark time in my life, I was very depressed and needed an outlet to express it. This was written almost a year ago, s I am happy to say I no longer feel this way (well, some days anyway).

A warning: Some of the material in this poem is not for someone of a squeamish stomach.

She sits in her bedroom alone

Day after day, night after night

Longing for solace or comfort.

She is filled with sadness

For reasons unknown to anyone.

She hates herself for being so sad,

For being so vulnerable all the time,

For not being stronger after tragedy.

She glances at the clock again. 1:39 A.M.

She wonders if another sleepless night,

Of sadness mixed with deep anger,

Of endless hate of her own body and mind

Filling every single inch of herself,

Will greet her this particular night.

She gets up from her bed and walks across her room.

She has thoughts swimming around in her head,

Freely going in and out of her mind, overlapping each other,

Until they can't seem to form anything sensible.

She lets the thoughts in deeper to see if they could make any sense

And feels tears well up in her big blue eyes as she should have ignored them.

Her thoughts are unexplainable really; a few of them happy but most of them unbelievably miserable

For someone of the age of sixteen. But one thing stands out more than anything else:

She feels she's let her loved ones down deeply, and she feels worthless.

She clenches her eyes shut as she feels her emotions

Begin to spiral out of control, tears streaming down her face.

She's contained them too long, put on a happy face too many times.

She's felt sad, lost, and alone for too many years.

She quietly opens her bedroom door and peeks out silently,

And tiptoes down the long wooden hallway,

Feeling along the moldings along the wall for guidance,

Until she reaches the restroom door, feeling for the brass doorknob.

She quietly turns the doorknob,

Praying the faulty hinges will be silent,

And there, barely glimmering in the dim light,

Sits the razor she'd left sitting on the counter.

She picks it up and fingers it gently,

The coolness of the metal blades making her fingers tingle.

She carefully removes one of the blades and puts it to her wrist

And stops there for a moment, praying she'll stop shaking.

She presses down, wincing a little as she breaks the skin.

She sees a little blood trickling out yet feels no pain.

The thin blade slicing into the sensitive skin of her wrist

Feels almost welcoming, almost freeing.

She continues to cut deeper and deeper,

Drawing more and more of her deep red blood,

Feeling tears spilling down her cheeks,

Yet she can't and won't stop. Nor does she want to.

She eventually passes out from blood loss

And lays dying on the smooth tiled floor

As the pool of blood around her lifeless arm grows,

And her breathing begins to get more shallow.

Eventually her pain stops, a calm smile appears on her face,

The tears no longer spilling down her pale, smooth cheeks.

She is dead to this world before the sun comes up.

Her loved ones feel an unfathomable sadness.

But her pain is over forever.

She feels no sadness.

She feels a release

As her spirit is free,

And truly awakened

From the sadness

That had been tormenting her

For so many years.

Song: Tourniquet by Evanescence.

**Disclaimer** The ending of this poem is NOT based on real events.