Remembering my momma

Lately, little things have been triggering memories of my momma, so I thought I'd share some of them here.

Like today for instance, my brother-in-law shared a picture of my momma on Facebook with a really sweet message and a memory about her homemade poppy seed cake. This brought back a memory of my own. My mom had this amazing recipe for poppy seed cake. She made it every once in awhile, and when she did she made a few loaves of it. One or two for us, and extras for our family friends or for people who needed it. The last time she did this I was really young, but now thinking back on it and remembering the smile on her face when she left to take the other ones she made to people, it made me realize something. My momma was so selfless. She never put herself first, when it came to making poppy seed cake or anything else.

I also remember how close she was with my her dad, my Grampa. Besides her husband and children, my Grampa meant the most to my mom. She called him every day to see how he was doing, and when he could he'd come out to our house to visit with her and read the Bible to her and pray over her. It was like her own personal Church service because after awhile she could no longer move to get into a car. I can remember so many times when I would walk by and see him holding her hand while she lay in bed and praying over her with his head bowed. It was one of the most touching sights I'd ever seen. That a father could do that for his daughter is one of the most amazing kinds of love there is if you ask me. I only hope my husband someday can be that loving to our daughter.

I've also shared other good memories of my momma in previous blog posts. For some reason, every time I remember the good things about my mom, I end up crying, sad, or teary-eyed. I guess the reason for this is because thinking of the good memories always reminds me that she's gone and I can't make any new good memories with her. I wish I could stop thinking like that, but it's easier said than done. I think it's been getting easier with time, because I'm sad about it a lot less than I used to be. I don't know though, I guess only time will tell what happens.

Mother's Day

Today is an extremely bittersweet day for me. As most of you know, my mom passed away in October, so today is my family's first Mother's Day without her. Also, a couple of weeks before my mom passed away, my older sister Jenny became a mother for the first time when she adopted a baby girl, so it's also her first Mother's Day as a momma.

So can you see why it's bittersweet? Yeah I'm not sure what to feel today.

I'm of course sad because I miss my mom. I miss her every single day, and while it has been getting somewhat easier as time has passed, missing her still hurts. All of the first holidays without her have been rough... Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and I think they're going to continue to be rough (for me at least) for the rest of this first year without her. I'm grieving her in my own way, and to me what I've been doing is a healthy way to grieve. I'll more than likely always miss my momma until I can see her again in Heaven someday, but days like today hurt because I can't make any new memories with her.

On the other hand though, I'm very happy for my sister, I have been ever since I found out she was going to adopt a baby girl. Jenny is one of the most deserving, selfless, and caring people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she's my sister or because I feel like I have to. I really and truly mean it. So far Jenny has been an amazing mother, her daughter is gorgeous and one of the best-behaved 7-month-olds I've ever seen. Jenny pretty much spoils her. A baby is one thing she's wanted for years, and when she first brought home baby Rachel I knew she was going to be one of the best moms out there.

I kind of wonder if all Mother's Days from now on are going to feel like this. A mix of emotions because I'm not sure how to feel. I think it's okay to feel both happy and sad today. Maybe somewhere in between? I'm not going to spend the day in bed crying, but I more than likely won't be jumping for joy either (especially since I don't jump). I hope Mother's Day gets easier to figure out in time though, because I don't like being confused about how to feel.

Oh... one more thing. I forgot to mention all of the people in my life who are mommas. My other older sister Julie, some of my friends, and various other family members who would take awhile to name! I love every single one of you who are reading this, and I hope everyone has an extremely blessed and wonderful Mother's Day.

A little positivity!

I noticed most of my posts on this blog have been sad ones. Poems about suicide, rants, or just being generally angry and sad. So, I thought I would make this post happy and positive. Good things have been happening in my life, and I forget about them because I choose to let the bad stuff overpower those good things, which I shouldn't do.

Anyway, one good thing that's happened in my life was meeting my friend Snow (using her Second Life name for various reasons!). We met after my online boyfriend at the time dumped me and got together with one of Snow's best friends. I told her what he'd done, and she started disliking him as much as I did. We bonded over it, and over other things, and long story short we're now pretty much inseparable. We talk all the time, I tell her everything and she does the same for me. I love her to death, she's so awesome and I don't know what I'd do without her! I love, respect, and admire her so much. She's one of the strongest women I know.

Another good thing that just happened recently was I broke up with my boyfriend that I'd been dating online for a little over 2 months. For the last month however, he had been having financial issues so he had to move back in with his mom. He also had to build a room in his mom's basement for him to live in. He kept making excuses as to why he wouldn't come online... "My computer is packed away until I get settled", "This is turning out to be a bigger project than I thought it would be", etc. I got tired of his excuses. I got tired of waiting for him. I deserve better than having to wait around for him to maybe text me or maybe come online. I didn't need that pressure in my life, and ending things with him was one of the better decisions I've made.

Also, I just generally love my friends. The ones in my real life and the ones in my Second Life. They're all amazing in their own ways, and there are too many to name! I so appreciate how everyone has been there for me through what I've been through. It means so much to me. Held me when I cried, talked me out of a bad mood, and countless other things. I'm grateful for every second and thankful beyond words to everyone I know.

Mood Swings...

As most of you know, I'm bipolar. For those of you who don't know, I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was in third grade. Basically, this means that I have two main moods. I'm either very happy or very sad. I suffer from mood swings that can happen at any time. I either go from happy to sad or sad to happy. Going from sad to happy doesn't happen nearly as often as I'd like it to.

Anyway, last night I was watching Scrubs, and in the episode I was watching, one of the patients got diagnosed with Leukemia. Even though it was fake, I guess it affected me more than I thought it would since I ended up having a dream later that night that I got diagnosed with Leukemia and it wasn't treatable. I woke up that night in a sweat because it scared me so badly.

While watching Scrubs, they kept playing commercials for gifts for Mother's Day. Each of those commercials made my heart sink because I realized I couldn't ever buy Mother's Day gifts for my mom ever again. I can't see her face light up when I give her flowers or anything like that. After realizing these things, I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Then today, I was sitting here thinking and realized something that made my heart sink again: I don't miss my boyfriend as much as I used to. It seems like the longer we go without talking and the longer he doesn't come online, the less I miss him. That shouldn't be happening. I should be missing him more, especially considering how much I care about him.

When my mood randomly went from good to bad tonight, these three things started running through my mind. I guess it mostly comes down to fear. Fear of always being extremely sad about my mom, fear of something being seriously wrong with me, and fear of losing him. I know I shouldn't be scared, but I can't help it.

I let things affect me a lot more than I should. I get scared so easily. I don't know how to stop any of it; it's just how I am. Changing that is easier said than done. I guess until I figure out a way to change though, I'm stuck suffering with mood swings and there's nothing I can do about it. It really sucks because I just want to be happy.

No title

I know it's been awhile since I blogged here, but a lot has been going on, some of which I won't go into. But anyways...

Since my mom passed away just a little over five months ago, things have been hard at my house, as is expected. However, imagine my surprise and shock when I went into my dad's room one day about a month ago and he was setting up a profile on an online dating site. My stomach turned and I so wanted to go off on him, but I held my tongue. I've been holding my tongue for the past month even though he LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM and talks to random women online. The fact that he locks his door makes me suspicious. You can call me a hypocrite because I'm in my room on my computer all day talking to people my family doesn't know, BUT I don't do ANYTHING online that I'm ashamed of, and I NEVER lock my door unless I'm changing.

Okay, fine, I get the fact that he's lonely and doesn't know how to be single. He was with my mom for over 40 years. Now he's apparently found this woman, and they've already been on two dates. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm of course pissed off because it feels to me like he's trying to replace my mom, I hate the fact that he's even THINKING about dating again when it's ONLY been 5 months since the woman he was married to for 40 FREAKING YEARS passed away (from something she shouldn't have even died from, but don't get me started on that), and I loathe the fact that he thinks it's alright to let this woman come STAY AT OUR HOUSE for a couple of days. And no, I'm not even kidding either!!!!

On the other hand, I know he's a big boy and can take care of himself, but if it were me in his position, I would spend any extra time I had trying to repair my family (because I know all of us have at least some kind of mental or emotional trauma from the way he treats us) instead of trying to find a new woman to be with. My dad says I never watch my siblings, when he doesn't watch them either when he's at home. And when he gets pissed off at them because they're being too loud, he comes out of his room and yells and cusses at them, makes empty threats, and sometimes hits my youngest brother just because he's an easy target.

All of that sounds horrible, I know, but let me get back to what I was saying. My friends have been telling me mixed things: that I should let him be happy or that I have every right to be pissed off, and everything in between. You know what though? I'm going to be pissed, and I don't care what anyone says about it. If that sounds mean then I'm sorry but that's just how it is. To me it feels like he's trying to replace my mom. These are MY feelings and I'm pretty sure I have a right to feel them. Why haven't I said any of this to him, you may ask? Well, the answer is simple: I'm scared of him every second that he's home, good mood or not, because of what I mentioned above, and I don't know how to stand up to him.

When and if this woman comes to stay here, I know he's going to do his best to act like a saint around her. However, I know my younger siblings will be the monsters they usually are, my dad will go off on them, and this woman will see how he really is. Who knew my siblings being so horrible could actually come in handy someday? Don't get me wrong though, I DO want my dad to be happy. Just not this way. And I'm gonna be mad about this as much and as long as I want to.

Happy Birthday Momma

Today, January 13th, 2011, is the day that my momma would have turned 59. It's her birthday.

I could go on about how much I miss her and how much I want/need her here, but I'm crying as I'm sitting here typing this and I've already said I miss her countless times, and I don't want to cry harder while I'm typing.

Anyway, I thought instead I'd share a few of the good times I had with my mom. It's important to me that I keep her memory alive, and that I hold on to my memories of her, especially since I can't make any new ones with her.

Before she got sick, she did so much. Like I remember when I was in elementary school, my mom would clean my room for me every day before I got home from school. She never said a word about it, I didn't act spoiled because of it, and I tried to not mess up my room too badly.

Another thing I remember, and this came to me last night, was when I was really little, I went to Church with my mom. It was a special Saturday night service, and it was special to me and my mom because it was usually just the two of us that went. I was too little to really understand what worship was, but I just wanted to be close to my mom. It was in the middle of worship, and my mom was at the altar. She really became overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit, so she was laying on her back and worshiping. I was in my seat where my mom had told me to stay, but when I saw her on her back, I thought something was wrong with her so I ran to the front and wordlessly lay down on the floor beside her, watching her until she looked over at me and told me she was alright.

One of my favorite memories with her was when I was probably 16, she could still transfer herself from her recliner to her power chair, and we were both hungry. We were trying to figure out what to eat, then my mom suggested that I go to the kitchen and see if we had the ingredients to make her homemade chili. We did, so I got the ingredients out while she got into her power chair and came into the kitchen with me. She couldn't do too much because she couldn't stand for very long, so I did most of the work. It was a fun afternoon though, just her and me, talking and laughing and making the best chili I've ever had.

Last year on her birthday, she was in a hospital, and she had gotten worse so she couldn't go out anywhere. My family and I went out for Mexican food in her honor, because it was her favorite, and we all went to visit her beforehand. She tried her best to hide it, but I could tell she was disappointed for not being able to go out with us. I know I definitely wish she was there.

The last time she actually got out of the house besides to go to a hospital or a nursing home was May 15th, 2009. That was the day of my high school graduation. She couldn't walk at all by this point so it was, you could say interesting, transferring her to the car so she could come watch me graduate. I can remember clearly walking across the stage and looking out into the audience to see her reaction. She had the biggest smile on her face, I knew she was so proud of me.

I would like to close with this:

Dear Momma,

Happy 59th Birthday! *hugs* I love you so much Momma, and I miss you every day. I hope you're rejoicing in Heaven as you have your perfect body and are able to dance with Jesus like you wanted for so long. I know Heaven is a beautiful place, but it really and truly is so much more beautiful now that you're there. I will hold on to you forever, and I know you'll do the same for me and Dad and the rest of your children and loved ones. Please tell Jesus to give you a hug from me, and know it's me hugging you. Smile and know I still clearly see it and know how much your smile brightened up the room.

Love Always,
Your daughter, Sarah


Thank you for reading guys.

I'm Scared.

Okay, being scared is a hard thing for me to admit. This time though, it's different.

I went to the gynecologist this morning and had a routine checkup and some blood work done. That all sounds pretty normal, right? Well that's what I thought it was going to be until the doctor actually started talking to me. I went in for a complaint about my menstrual cycle, and he told me about all of these tests he wanted to run because he thinks one of the biggest factors contributing to this problem I'm having is my weight. He told me all of the risks that come from this.

He told me that because of my irregularity, I might not be able to have children someday. He told me something might be wrong with my adrenal gland. He told me all of these tests he wanted to run and the things he wants to do to rule the more serious problems out. When he was saying this, I nodded along and thought "Okay, this will be good, we're going to figure out what's wrong with me."

Nothing really hit me until I got home and had the chance to sit down and think about what this could mean. If something were seriously wrong with me, it would mean emotional and financial strain on my family, and of course it would affect me emotionally. I mean, what if I'm never able to have kids?? I so want to have children someday, but what if my stupid weight prevents me from doing that?

I'm so scared. I'm scared of what the future might hold. I mean, with everything the doctor said to me, how am I supposed to NOT be scared? If something is seriously wrong with me, it could quite possibly change my life forever. I know this may seem like I'm overreacting, but I'm really not. I've had problems with irregularity for about 8 years and have been worried for a long time.

Just... In general I'm scared.

Unsure

For some reason it doesn't feel like Christmas is coming. Yes our tree is up and the holiday movies have been playing and Christmas music has been playing and most of the presents are wrapped and it's cold and all that, but it doesn't feel like Christmas. I think it's because my mom isn't here to celebrate it with us.

A friend told me that whatever I feel having to do with my mom and this time of year, be it happy or sad, is okay.. so.. I feel sad and like no one understands what I feel. I don't want to sound mean, but whenever I see people talk about their moms and how amazing they are, it makes me sad because I can't share anything new with my mom. Not saying that people don't have a right to say whatever they want, I'm just saying this the only way I know how.

I have a feeling that I'll always miss my mom for the rest of my life, and nothing will ever feel the same, especially the holidays. My mom always loved Christmas too. I remember last year, she was in either a hospital or nursing home (I can't remember which it was, she went to so many of both) around this time, but the doctors thought she was well enough to come home for Christmas. I was thrilled, as was my family. I wish she could be here for this Christmas, I miss her so much. It doesn't feel right to celebrate it without her.

In fact, nothing feels right without her. Going about my daily life and tasks doesn't feel right. On the other hand though, what else am I supposed to do? I couldn't possibly lay in bed, dwell on this tragedy, and cry all day. I know my mom wouldn't want that, I know she would want me to be happy. It's just hard to be happy around Christmas because she loved it so much.

Even when she got sicker, her face would light up and she would smile all morning as she watched me and my siblings rip into the bows and colored wrapping paper on the gifts that she and my older sister had so carefully picked out for each of us. She lightened the room with her smile and laughter. That's one of the things I loved most about her.

I guess all I can do is try to be as happy as I can and remember that my mom is here with me in spirit, she's always in my heart, and I still have my memories of and with her. I will hold her close to my heart and pray and ask the Lord to give my mom a hug in Heaven for me on Christmas for me, since I can't. Without my faith I don't know where I'd be, but that's a whole other story.

Can't break free until I let it go.

Yesterday, as some of you know, I went to Six Flags. It was my second time to go in my whole life (the first was when I was a baby, so I don't remember it) so of course I was excited. Our youth pastor (I went with my youth group) passed out our tickets and said we were going on the Titan first.

We walked to it and waited in line for probably about an hour or more, then it was FINALLY time to get on! I was so excited. I'd never ridden a roller coaster before, and I was going to ride in the front two seats of the Titan with my friend Laura. I was pretty pumped, but my heart was racing. Laura told me that was normal, so I wasn't too worried.

I sat down in the seat, put the bar down, and realized it wouldn't go down all the way. I adjusted myself a little, and it still wouldn't. The lady that was helping out walked over and told me I couldn't ride because the restraint wasn't down far enough. I don't think anyone can imagine the embarrassment I felt when I had to climb out of the ride and go wait for my friends to finish riding.

I put my hood up over my head (it was cold so I had my hoodie on), stood in the corner outside the gate, and did my best to not break down crying, although it didn't work out so well since within minutes I had tears streaming down my face and my breath was getting shaky. My mood darkened. I immediately started feeling sad, depressed, angry, embarrassed, and paranoid.

Mostly though, I was feeling embarrassed. I couldn't believe that, to be blunt, I'm too big to ride the freaking Titan. After Laura finished riding, she came over to find me and tried her best to make me feel better, but it didn't work that well. I love her for trying, but I sunk into a dark mood, and once I'm in a dark mood, it's very, very hard to get me out of it.

What is the reason for this, you may ask? Well, that's simple. I'm bipolar, which means I'm either very happy or very depressed. Nothing sets these mood swings off really, and they can last anywhere from 5 minutes to a whole day or longer (for me at least). It sucks, but there isn't anything at this moment that I can do about it. I feel helpless.

It seems like lately, my moods are mostly dark and sad. It could be because I'm not happy with myself, it could be because of my home situation, I don't really know. It seems like as time goes on, I get sadder and sadder, and it's not fair. I just want to be happy, but it's almost as if I don't know how to be.

I don't know what else to say really, just that I hate being sad.

Crimson Regret and Betrayal.

**Warning** The content of this is not for someone of a queasy stomach.

She knows she's made a mistake,
One she can't take back.
As she watches the trickle of blood
Following the curves of her arm downward,
She feels so guilty she can't stand it.

She grabs a ball of tissue
And quickly wipes away the blood.
She cuts again and tries her best
To not cry out from the pain it brings.
She cuts again and again and again.

Tears slowly fall down her pale cheeks,
Tears of sadness, pain, guilt, and regret.
She hates herself for doing this to herself
But knows that with everything she has,
She can not and will not and dare not stop.

The next cut brings a whimper and more tears.
She bites her lip to keep from screaming
As she takes the blade away and once again
Watches the trickle of blood down her arm.
Again, she feels so guilty, but can't stop.

Eventually, there's so much blood
That she can barely see the cuts.
She instantly regrets what she's done
And wishes she could take it back
But she knows it's too late.

She starts sobbing and clutches her arm
Wishing with all her heart
That it didn't have to come to this.
She knows it didn't have to; but sadly
She felt she had no other choice.

She drops to the smooth tile floor,
Her body growing weaker, her eyes closing.
She hates herself so much for what she's done
And as a last attempt to punish herself,
She digs her nails into her arm and screams quietly.

The blood doesn't stop, it just flows faster.
She limply falls to the floor, her eyes half open,
Tears still streaming down her face.
Her cries get softer, and she grows weaker.
Her body lies cold and limp on the smooth tiled floor.

Suddenly, the pain stops. She's free from her sadness.
The blood keeps flowing, yet she doesn't feel it.
She watches her body laying limp and dead
As she blows herself a kiss and disappears
Into the early morning air.

She is finally free.


You probably don't have to guess what song goes with this.

I tried to kill my pain, but only brought more...

This might be slightly disturbing to some people, and it's a little graphic, so this is a warning if you can't handle it.

It happened technically last year, but it still haunts me now. During July of last year, I for some reason got really depressed. I can't remember now because I've chosen to block that fateful day from my mind.

Anyway... I got depressed, so I found one of my old razors, took the blade out, and I cut my wrist with it. It hurt a lot, but for some reason I did it again... and again... and again. I don't remember how many times I did it in that short time period, but afterwards I felt so guilty for doing it.

I don't remember the next time I did it, because as I stated before, I have chosen to block it out. It might have been September or October, but yeah, it was at least a few months after the first time I did it. At that time in my life, my mom had gotten sicker, and I fell into such a deep depression because I'd lost hope she would ever get better. For some reason I thought I had to punish myself for everything that was going wrong in my life. Cutting myself was the way I did that. It hurt, and I bled, I can't say it felt good to do it because it didn't. It was a seemingly endless cycle; I would cut myself, then I would feel so guilty for doing it that I would wait until I stopped bleeding for the moment and cut myself all over again. I don't know what made me stop every time; it might have been because I ran out of places to cut and wanted to wait for them to heal a little before I did it again. It might be because someone called my name and snapped me out of it.

This went on for a few months, and the point that I hit rock bottom was, ironically, on January 13th of this year. It's ironic because January 13th is my mother's birthday. It was sometime in the evening, and I had cut myself then remembered it was my mom's birthday, and I felt so guilty for doing it on that specific day that I got wrapped up in my depression and anger that I cut myself across my wrist on the inside of my arm, which I knew was the worst place to cut it since there are a lot of blood vessels there. I ended up bleeding for an hour and a half on and off; when I stopped bleeding I would cut again. It hurt so much that it was all I could do to not scream from the pain.

The pain wasn't just physical. It was emotional pain, spiritual pain, and mental pain. At that time in my life I was suicidal. I wanted to die. So many things had happened and I blamed it all on myself. Anyway, after I finally stopped bleeding, my sister knocked on my door (which was locked, for obvious reasons) and told me we were going out to dinner, so I put on a watch to cover the cuts I'd just made and didn't participate in any of my family's conversation. I put my iPod on Evanescence and let myself feel depressed. I got so wrapped up in it. When I got home later, I laid in bed because I was feeling kind of dizzy. Later on I started seeing spots and it felt like the room was spinning. When this happened it was about 1:00 in the morning, and I thought I was going to literally pass out. Not from being tired, but from blood loss. I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to wake anyone in my house up and worry them, so I laid in bed and worried and panicked and almost threw up, taking sips from the water bottle that was beside me every once in awhile until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I decided that I would never cut myself again. I wanted to, oh believe me I wanted to. It took literally EVERYTHING I had to throw my old razor blade away. It took all of my willpower to not find a new one and do it again. It was an addiction, and it was so hard to stop.

If I said I still didn't want to cut, I would be lying. If I told you I thought I was stronger from going through this, it would be a lie. I still suffer from what I believe to be depression, I'm sad all the time and I've become unfortunately good at hiding my sadness and putting on a happy face. I act strong and happy on the outside, when on the inside I feel like I'm dying from the crushing emotional pain I'm going through.

I know how selfish this may seem, because I have a family who loves me, friends who care about me, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food to eat. I still feel this way however; and I can't tell you why because I don't know. I wish I knew, because I feel depressed, sad, angry, lost, guilty, helpless, and hopeless. I think the last time I was actually happy was before my mom got sick in 2001. That's over 9 years of being depressed like this.

Anyway... Yesterday actually marked 11 months since the last time I cut myself. It's quite a milestone, at least I think it is. I let it take over my life, and I shouldn't have. Am I stronger after going through this experience? I'll let you know when I figure that one out.

I want my momma back.

I know a lot of my posts recently have been about missing my mom, but this is how I try to deal with things.

I miss my mom. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her when she was alive. I'm angry, not sure at what, because she's gone and was taken away from me and my family. I'm sad and often myself crying because I miss her and I need her back. It's just not fair that she's just gone, and she can never come back. Nothing can bring her back. Her stupid illness took her away from me. I have absolutely no faith in America's health system or in scientists and doctors anymore because nothing could cure her. She was a prisoner in her own body and nobody was trying to heal her. They gave up on her. It's not fair. I would have done everything I could to try to make her better.

Before my grampa (my mom's dad) died, he would always come over to our house and talk with my mom and read Scripture to her and pray over her. I know God was listening, it's just hard to see it since my mom is gone. My grampa also told her about a vision he had. He was sitting in church, and my mom was healed and she was so beautiful, and she would walk in and come up to him from behind, with a smile on her face. He had faith that she was going to be healed. Now she can walk to him in Heaven. She can walk everywhere. I just wish she could be doing all of those things here.

I need my mom here. I so wish I could hear her voice, and see her smile, and from that I'd know everything is going to be alright. I don't see any of that now. My biggest fear is that I'll forget her. Some days I forget that she's gone, and I think "Oh, I should go call her" then, literally the second after that, my heart sinks and I remember. I really hate times like that. All it does is remind me that as long as I live, I can never hear her voice or hear her laugh or hug her or see her smile or look into her eyes ever again.

Every time I get into one of these moods, it's something different that triggers these emotions. Today, it was a song; I'll Wait For You by Joe Nichols. If you've never heard it, it's about a husband trying to do his best to get home to his wife. They're both elderly, and she's very sick. They talk on the phone as much as they can while he's trying to get home, and she shares memories with him about how she's had to wait for him before, but it didn't matter how long it took because she loved him so so much. Then, the last verse says she dies before he can get home.

The whole idea of the song makes me think of my mom and dad. Whenever he would call home from work and say he was going to be late or something, my mom was always so patient with him. She was always so loving and understanding because she knew he was providing for our family to make sure we had a good life. I could tell she was sad that he was working later, but she knew working was important to my dad. Even when she got sicker, she had such a sense of grace and dignity about her that I truly admire. My mom was my role model. She never gave up.

Some days, she would have an "MS attack" where she got confused and, for lack of a better term, not completely there. She had times when she thought she was still 19, or when she thought I was my older sister. It was always different, and none of us knew when or how it was going to happen. One night she was screaming and not making any sense at all, she was in pain but medicine couldn't help her, she would repeat the same phrase over and over. I've chosen to block out that terrible night because it hurts to remember it. Every time she had an attack it was so hard to deal with it, but we had to for her sake.

I will always, ALWAYS miss my mom. I know I'll always have my memories of her, but sometimes those memories bring pain because it makes me think I can never make new memories with her again. She's in Heaven, and she's not in pain anymore. I try so hard to cling to that fact, but I can't help but wish she were here to help me through this pain. She was always so good at that; she knew how to lift me out of my worst moods and she was so patient while I talked everything out, and she would smile her comforting, perfect smile as she helped me feel better. She will always be my momma. She'll always watch over me, and she'll always be in my heart and in my mind. I do know that, but I wish she were still alive because this is truly the hardest thing my family and I have ever had to go through.

The last chorus of the song I mentioned earlier makes me cry...

I'll wait for you at Heaven's gates
Oh I don't care how long it takes
I'll tell St. Pete I can't come in
Without my Love and my best friend
Oh this ain't nothing new
Sweetheart I'll wait for you.

I can totally hear my mom singing this to my dad. He was the love of her life, and she was the love of his life.

Not looking forward to the future

For the first time ever since I was little, I'm not looking forward to the future. I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or any of that. Why, you may ask? Because my momma isn't here.

Since she passed away last month, I find it very hard to look forward to much of anything anymore. She means so much to me, and she's gone from my physical world, and everyone else's. I know she's always in my heart, and she's in Heaven, and she's so happy, and that does bring me peace to some degree. I will always have the memories we shared together, and all the happiness she brought me. However it's not the same as looking into her comforting eyes, or being wrapped in her loving arms, or hearing her laugh that always made me laugh, or seeing her beautiful smile. I so wish she were here to hold me and tell me it's all going to be alright. She always made sure I never hurt as much as I hurt now. As much as all the other things I've been through in my life have hurt me, losing my mom has hurt the most. It's so hard to live without her. It's been a little over a month since she passed away, but it feels like it's been longer.

I don't like living without her. I just don't. It's too difficult. She was and still is the one person in this world who means the most to me. And she's gone. It isn't fair. If this sounds like I'm complaining, then too bad because I think I have a right to complain. If that sounds harsh then I'm sorry. It is how I feel.

I know that God wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle. I just don't see how I can handle this. There are days when I'm fine, all smiles, and happy. Then I have my days where I hear a song or read back over Facebook updates from me and my older sisters or read over my old blog posts or see, hear or smell something that brings back the slightest memory of my mom, and I lose it because I won't ever be able to share any memories with her again.

Now I'm going to go before I cry any more.

A Fragile Heart.

Why is it that I’m still hurting?
Why is it that I’m so depressed?
Why is it that I feel so guilty?
Why am I never happy?

Can’t a girl get a break here?
Can I have one day of not being miserable?
Will my heart be broken forever?
Will I ever be happy again?

How come I want to scream “It’s not fair!”?
How come I feel pain physically, mentally, and emotionally?
Why am I so mistreated?
Why is my heart so broken?

“Someone said ‘A broken heart would sting at first, then make you stronger.’ You wonder why this pain remains… Were hearts made whole just to break?”

If anyone figures out the answers to any of these questions, or figures out how to mend my fragile heart, let me know. I’ve tried to figure it out on my own; I’ve tried to be strong. But I fail. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

A True Friend.

There's something I've been thinking about. Or rather, someone.

There's this girl, and her name is Brianna Iverson. We met when I first went to my new school in 9th grade. I was alone, a bit intimidated, somewhat scared, and I had no friends. I would come into the cafeteria every day looking for a place to sit, and she and the other girls who soon became my friends always made room for me. I felt wanted, and like I belonged. Little did I know how amazing of a friend Brianna would be.

Through our high school years, her and I became closer. I didn't have my license so she would drive me home from school and to go hang out at her house and things like that. We talked a lot, about anything and everything. She told me things she'd never told anyone; and I did the same. (For privacy reasons, I won't repeat what she told me.) I told her my concerns with my mom, and she listened and gave me the best advice she could, even though she didn't know what I was going through. She became almost like a sister to me.

The summer after our senior year of high school was a tough one. She had decided that there was a Bible college in Iowa that she wanted to go to because other members of her family had gone there and it was a really good school. I was so happy for her - still am - but the only problem is, Iowa and Texas are about 1,000 miles apart, so I knew this meant I wouldn't see her for awhile. She spent the semester there, then came down for Christmas break. Due to personal reasons, she didn't go back. I was happy to have her back since we were so close, but my heart hurt for her because of what she was going through. I really tried my best to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on and an embrace she could feel safe in.

The summer after - this last summer, actually - we spent more time together. We went to Church, we hung out, and we went to camp together with other members of our church. Then, I found out something heartbreaking: She was going back to Iowa to live with her aunt and uncle and attend a community college up there. I was very sad, and the night before she left (it was a Wednesday night; we were at Church) we spent awhile talking and hugging and exchanging addresses and things like that. After she left, we talked a few times over the phone, and I missed her terribly. She found out what happened to my mom, and she started calling me every day to check on me, starting last Tuesday.

Whenever we talk, she tells me about her life up there and what she's doing and the different things she had planned. She's very busy, and I was talking to my sister Jenny on the phone today and realized something. Brianna always seems to make time to call me and talk to me, even with her busy schedule. She's a true friend and loves me very much even though she's so far away. She wants to make sure I'm okay, and I hope she knows I appreciate that. I really do. She has in many ways become my best friend, and like a sister to me when I needed it most and needed someone outside of my family to talk to about what I have been going through emotionally and spiritually.

It's crazy what a tragedy like losing a parent can make you realize, and how it can make you think. I've opened my eyes to so many things and have thought so differently, but that's a whole other blog post.

Brianna is a true friend. She's going to call me today, and I am going to love every second of talking to her. I want to challenge the few of you that read my blog. Call your best friend and tell him/her how much they mean to you. It might just brighten their day and bring a moment of clarity or relief from what they might be going through, much like Brianna has done for me.

So overwhelmed...

I felt like I had to write this down...

My older sisters, Jenny and Julie, have been sorting through my mom's belongings today, and they found something really interesting, and very special.

For awhile when I was growing up, I loved American Girl dolls, and I had one (I had Samantha) and was really excited when the company came out with a different collection, called Girls of Many Lands, I loved how pretty they were. For my thirteenth birthday, I got the one from England:

I was very pleased with it; always making sure I took excellent care of it, and reading the book that came with her over and over, loving her story, looking at the doll and loving the dress she came in.

Well, today, like I said my sisters were going through my mom's belongings... and they found four of the other dolls; from India, China, Ireland, and France.

France

Ireland

India

China

After seeing these, my dad told me that my mom had been planning to give them to me one at a time for each of my birthdays until I turned eighteen. Even though she's gone, she still wanted me to have them. I feel like she gave them to me from Heaven, since I finally got them today. I hope she knows that I will always, ALWAYS take care of them, because I feel like with these dolls, a part of her is still here with me.

Thinking of the future... and the past.

I've been thinking about the future today. I've been thinking about the fact that my mom isn't here anymore, and she's not going to be here for anything really.

She's not going to be here for the holiday season this year, or for any of them ever again.
She's not going to see my siblings grow up; graduating high school, graduating college, entering important times in their lives... She can't give any of us hugs or kind words when we do well at something. None of it.

I know she's in Heaven; she's home, like she wanted for so long, and she will always watch over me and my family. It's not the same though. She's not here, and I can never hug her again. I don't even remember the last time I hugged her, or my last words to her.

I feel guilty. There, I said it. I feel like I didn't see her enough, I didn't talk to her enough, I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her. I never got the chance to apologize for being a bad daughter, or for the fights we had, or for not getting her pain medicine quickly enough when she was laying in bed crying. I didn't tell her enough how wonderful she was, or how amazing a mother she was. The truth is, she was the best mother I could have asked for, and a better mother than I deserved sometimes.

She was amazing. I remember so many times where the kids had gone to bed, and so had my dad, and I went out to our living room (where my mom's reclining chair that she used to always sit in was) and we talked for hours, about anything and everything. She would tell me memories of her childhood, like how her mother always used to brush her hair; she told me how, when, and where she met my dad; she told me how he proposed to her; she told me so many wonderful things that made me so proud and amazed to be able to call her my mom. She was such a wonderful person, an amazing mother, and a best friend. I could go to her about anything, and she would help me through it, like a mom should, but she had a way of doing it that made me feel more loved than anything.

I know that I am going to miss her for the rest of my life. I will never forget her. The day that I can hug her again when I get to Heaven will be the happiest thing I can ever experience. I need to remember that she will always be with me, but it's not the same as hearing her voice or seeing her face or being able to hug her. I will always love her.

What my dad said at my mom's funeral.

I was so emotional yesterday that I forgot to mention what my dad said in my last blog post :( I'm sorry daddy!

This was while we were at the cemetery. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember most of it. "She was my precious baby. She still is. I was thinking about what to put on her tombstone, and I couldn't think of anything that would honor her." Then he got teary-eyed and said something like "Sleep well, my precious baby." while looking at her casket.

I've been thinking of how hard this week has been on him. He's completely changed. He has mood swings, he's lost and confused, and completely depressed. They met when my mom was 16, he was 18, and they were married for over 40 years. His plot is going to be next to my mom's when he passes away. I really, really hope it's not anytime soon, because even as much as he yells at me, I need my daddy and I love him very much.

Now I have to stop writing before I start crying too hard to see the keyboard. I love you guys.

My Mom's Funeral and My Memories of Her.

Today, October 22nd, 2010 was my mom's funeral and the day that she was put to rest. It was a beautiful service, and my mom would have been pleased. It really honored her and the woman she was. The things that were said about her were perfect. One thing, was my aunt Linda (one of my dad's sisters) couldn't be there, so she had my aunt Judy (my dad's twin sister) read a message from her. It contained a few memories that my aunt Linda had of my mom, and at the end it said "Heaven is a beautiful place, but it's even more beautiful now that she's there". That made me cry, because it's so true.

My mom was such an elegant lady, she was gracious and always had a sense of dignity about her, even when she got sicker. She never complained about being in pain. She was always ready and willing to do whatever it took to keep her family happy. She was selfless and kind, and the best mom I could have ever asked for.

Today was so emotional. My cousin Holly sang and played I Can Only Imagine on her guitar, and I got teary-eyed because my mom doesn't have to imagine what Heaven is going to be like. She's there, and she gets to experience the wonder of it firsthand. The things my uncle John said about her were so fitting. He read her accomplishments to us, and some things that she did I didn't know, and they amazed me to hear them. She worked for The 700 Club, at one point she had her own business, she and some of her friends got together and wrote a cookbook full of their recipes, and she had 9 children and 7 grandchildren, among many other wonderful things.

When we were at the cemetery.. oh gosh, that was emotional. After the pastor read a few verses of Scripture and prayed over my mom, he opened the floor to let some of us share memories of my mom. I didn't get the chance to, but so many other people did, including my cousin Christine, and she talked about how my mom was always so stylish, she always wore her hair really high and Christine would try to imitate it with her hair. She also talked about how when her mom got sick, she went to my mom for comfort, and they would do things together, like my mom hand-made Christine's clothes when she was a little girl. She also recalled the time when she went to visit my mom a few months ago when she was in the same nursing home as Christine's mom, and instead of talking about herself, she asked Christine how her mom was doing.

Then my brother-in-law Josh spoke, and he said "She was my mom, and I was her son. She always made me feel welcome and like I was a first member of this family.". And it really is true, he called her Mom, like the rest of us did. She loved him so much, and he loved her. My little sister Hope also got the chance to speak. She didn't say very much before she couldn't handle it and started crying, but what she did say was so sweet: "I remember whenever I would cry, I went to momma and sat with her and she snuggled me, and I loved her very much." At this point she started crying. My uncle James (my mom's brother) spoke also, and he said that my mom wouldn't want us to be sad, that she's not here physically; she's in our hearts and always will be.

Then, my sister Julie spoke. She talked about my mom and shared good memories of her as well, and she was crying so hard. She told about how on Sunday, she was with my mom when she was in pain, but my mom didn't complain about being sick, she apologized for not being well and for not being around for us like she should be. She was amazing like that. Julie said she hoped she could be as good a woman as my mom was. She was also there when my mom passed away. Julie saw an angel of the Lord in the room, and she talked to him, and then she saw him take my mom with him to Heaven. She saw it all. At this point she was crying so hard that she couldn't speak anymore. Then we all cried and prayed for a few more minutes, and it was over. Before we left, I went to stand next to my mom's casket for a moment to whisper "I love you mommy, I'll see you soon." and I offered up a prayer: "Lord, she's in Your hands now. I trust you completely, take care of my momma." then we left, and I kept my eye on her casket and the people that were lowering her into the ground for as long as I could, making sure they took care of her like she deserved.

My mom was really such an amazing woman. She was the best mom I could have ever asked for. She always made sure her family was happy before herself, even when she got sicker. I miss her and love her so so much, and I'll always miss her, until I get to Heaven someday and get to hug her and never let go.

This verse so describes my mom:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

~~ Proverbs 31:10-31

Realizations.

There have been a few things I've been thinking about since yesterday, which is kind of a nice change from laying in bed crying all day like I did on Tuesday. What I've come to realize is, God really does have control over it all.

How I came to realize this, was when yesterday I was out to lunch with my dad and Jenny, and Jenny's daughter Rachel came up. I got to thinking... Rachel was born about 3 weeks early, so Jenny's work (she's a nurse) gave her this month off. So I thought, maybe Rachel was born early for a purpose. The Lord knew this was going to happen, so He wanted to make sure Jenny was here to help my family through this rough time. I'm so grateful for her and I am glad that she's been here.

Also, I went to Church last night, something I haven't been able to do often because I haven't had a ride. Anyway, I went, and the worship team played a song called Overcome by The Desperation Band. I listened to the lyrics, and they really got to me, especially this part:

We will overcome
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome

I was singing along and listening to the words, and instantly a realization hit me. I CAN overcome this tragedy. It's terrible, and my heart is broken. But it was in God's plan, and He will be my comfort and my strength. After worship was over, the pastor told us to get chairs (we're a small church) and told us to sit in a circle. He said he'd had a message prepared, but God spoke to his heart and had a change of plans. So, he ended up opening the floor for questions, comments, and discussions, and I got the chance to share with my close friends about my mom, and even though I ended up crying, it brought me comfort to know that they're there for me as well, especially when they surrounded me and prayed for my family and me.

Then, when I got home, one of my best friends tagged me in a picture of a sunset and put it with this Bible verse:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~~Psalm 73:26

Truthfully, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. God is my strength, He is the one constant in my life, and He will help me through this tragedy.

One song that has kept me going is Never Alone by BarlowGirl. Since my mom passed away, I've felt so alone, and listening to this song has made me realize that I'm NOT alone, that God is always with me.

I cried out with no reply,
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know:
You're here, and I'm never alone.

With my situation right now, truer words have never been spoken. Thank you for reading as I've poured my heart out, I love you guys.