Remembering my momma

Lately, little things have been triggering memories of my momma, so I thought I'd share some of them here.

Like today for instance, my brother-in-law shared a picture of my momma on Facebook with a really sweet message and a memory about her homemade poppy seed cake. This brought back a memory of my own. My mom had this amazing recipe for poppy seed cake. She made it every once in awhile, and when she did she made a few loaves of it. One or two for us, and extras for our family friends or for people who needed it. The last time she did this I was really young, but now thinking back on it and remembering the smile on her face when she left to take the other ones she made to people, it made me realize something. My momma was so selfless. She never put herself first, when it came to making poppy seed cake or anything else.

I also remember how close she was with my her dad, my Grampa. Besides her husband and children, my Grampa meant the most to my mom. She called him every day to see how he was doing, and when he could he'd come out to our house to visit with her and read the Bible to her and pray over her. It was like her own personal Church service because after awhile she could no longer move to get into a car. I can remember so many times when I would walk by and see him holding her hand while she lay in bed and praying over her with his head bowed. It was one of the most touching sights I'd ever seen. That a father could do that for his daughter is one of the most amazing kinds of love there is if you ask me. I only hope my husband someday can be that loving to our daughter.

I've also shared other good memories of my momma in previous blog posts. For some reason, every time I remember the good things about my mom, I end up crying, sad, or teary-eyed. I guess the reason for this is because thinking of the good memories always reminds me that she's gone and I can't make any new good memories with her. I wish I could stop thinking like that, but it's easier said than done. I think it's been getting easier with time, because I'm sad about it a lot less than I used to be. I don't know though, I guess only time will tell what happens.

Mother's Day

Today is an extremely bittersweet day for me. As most of you know, my mom passed away in October, so today is my family's first Mother's Day without her. Also, a couple of weeks before my mom passed away, my older sister Jenny became a mother for the first time when she adopted a baby girl, so it's also her first Mother's Day as a momma.

So can you see why it's bittersweet? Yeah I'm not sure what to feel today.

I'm of course sad because I miss my mom. I miss her every single day, and while it has been getting somewhat easier as time has passed, missing her still hurts. All of the first holidays without her have been rough... Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and I think they're going to continue to be rough (for me at least) for the rest of this first year without her. I'm grieving her in my own way, and to me what I've been doing is a healthy way to grieve. I'll more than likely always miss my momma until I can see her again in Heaven someday, but days like today hurt because I can't make any new memories with her.

On the other hand though, I'm very happy for my sister, I have been ever since I found out she was going to adopt a baby girl. Jenny is one of the most deserving, selfless, and caring people I know, and I'm not just saying that because she's my sister or because I feel like I have to. I really and truly mean it. So far Jenny has been an amazing mother, her daughter is gorgeous and one of the best-behaved 7-month-olds I've ever seen. Jenny pretty much spoils her. A baby is one thing she's wanted for years, and when she first brought home baby Rachel I knew she was going to be one of the best moms out there.

I kind of wonder if all Mother's Days from now on are going to feel like this. A mix of emotions because I'm not sure how to feel. I think it's okay to feel both happy and sad today. Maybe somewhere in between? I'm not going to spend the day in bed crying, but I more than likely won't be jumping for joy either (especially since I don't jump). I hope Mother's Day gets easier to figure out in time though, because I don't like being confused about how to feel.

Oh... one more thing. I forgot to mention all of the people in my life who are mommas. My other older sister Julie, some of my friends, and various other family members who would take awhile to name! I love every single one of you who are reading this, and I hope everyone has an extremely blessed and wonderful Mother's Day.

A little positivity!

I noticed most of my posts on this blog have been sad ones. Poems about suicide, rants, or just being generally angry and sad. So, I thought I would make this post happy and positive. Good things have been happening in my life, and I forget about them because I choose to let the bad stuff overpower those good things, which I shouldn't do.

Anyway, one good thing that's happened in my life was meeting my friend Snow (using her Second Life name for various reasons!). We met after my online boyfriend at the time dumped me and got together with one of Snow's best friends. I told her what he'd done, and she started disliking him as much as I did. We bonded over it, and over other things, and long story short we're now pretty much inseparable. We talk all the time, I tell her everything and she does the same for me. I love her to death, she's so awesome and I don't know what I'd do without her! I love, respect, and admire her so much. She's one of the strongest women I know.

Another good thing that just happened recently was I broke up with my boyfriend that I'd been dating online for a little over 2 months. For the last month however, he had been having financial issues so he had to move back in with his mom. He also had to build a room in his mom's basement for him to live in. He kept making excuses as to why he wouldn't come online... "My computer is packed away until I get settled", "This is turning out to be a bigger project than I thought it would be", etc. I got tired of his excuses. I got tired of waiting for him. I deserve better than having to wait around for him to maybe text me or maybe come online. I didn't need that pressure in my life, and ending things with him was one of the better decisions I've made.

Also, I just generally love my friends. The ones in my real life and the ones in my Second Life. They're all amazing in their own ways, and there are too many to name! I so appreciate how everyone has been there for me through what I've been through. It means so much to me. Held me when I cried, talked me out of a bad mood, and countless other things. I'm grateful for every second and thankful beyond words to everyone I know.

Mood Swings...

As most of you know, I'm bipolar. For those of you who don't know, I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was in third grade. Basically, this means that I have two main moods. I'm either very happy or very sad. I suffer from mood swings that can happen at any time. I either go from happy to sad or sad to happy. Going from sad to happy doesn't happen nearly as often as I'd like it to.

Anyway, last night I was watching Scrubs, and in the episode I was watching, one of the patients got diagnosed with Leukemia. Even though it was fake, I guess it affected me more than I thought it would since I ended up having a dream later that night that I got diagnosed with Leukemia and it wasn't treatable. I woke up that night in a sweat because it scared me so badly.

While watching Scrubs, they kept playing commercials for gifts for Mother's Day. Each of those commercials made my heart sink because I realized I couldn't ever buy Mother's Day gifts for my mom ever again. I can't see her face light up when I give her flowers or anything like that. After realizing these things, I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Then today, I was sitting here thinking and realized something that made my heart sink again: I don't miss my boyfriend as much as I used to. It seems like the longer we go without talking and the longer he doesn't come online, the less I miss him. That shouldn't be happening. I should be missing him more, especially considering how much I care about him.

When my mood randomly went from good to bad tonight, these three things started running through my mind. I guess it mostly comes down to fear. Fear of always being extremely sad about my mom, fear of something being seriously wrong with me, and fear of losing him. I know I shouldn't be scared, but I can't help it.

I let things affect me a lot more than I should. I get scared so easily. I don't know how to stop any of it; it's just how I am. Changing that is easier said than done. I guess until I figure out a way to change though, I'm stuck suffering with mood swings and there's nothing I can do about it. It really sucks because I just want to be happy.

No title

I know it's been awhile since I blogged here, but a lot has been going on, some of which I won't go into. But anyways...

Since my mom passed away just a little over five months ago, things have been hard at my house, as is expected. However, imagine my surprise and shock when I went into my dad's room one day about a month ago and he was setting up a profile on an online dating site. My stomach turned and I so wanted to go off on him, but I held my tongue. I've been holding my tongue for the past month even though he LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM and talks to random women online. The fact that he locks his door makes me suspicious. You can call me a hypocrite because I'm in my room on my computer all day talking to people my family doesn't know, BUT I don't do ANYTHING online that I'm ashamed of, and I NEVER lock my door unless I'm changing.

Okay, fine, I get the fact that he's lonely and doesn't know how to be single. He was with my mom for over 40 years. Now he's apparently found this woman, and they've already been on two dates. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm of course pissed off because it feels to me like he's trying to replace my mom, I hate the fact that he's even THINKING about dating again when it's ONLY been 5 months since the woman he was married to for 40 FREAKING YEARS passed away (from something she shouldn't have even died from, but don't get me started on that), and I loathe the fact that he thinks it's alright to let this woman come STAY AT OUR HOUSE for a couple of days. And no, I'm not even kidding either!!!!

On the other hand, I know he's a big boy and can take care of himself, but if it were me in his position, I would spend any extra time I had trying to repair my family (because I know all of us have at least some kind of mental or emotional trauma from the way he treats us) instead of trying to find a new woman to be with. My dad says I never watch my siblings, when he doesn't watch them either when he's at home. And when he gets pissed off at them because they're being too loud, he comes out of his room and yells and cusses at them, makes empty threats, and sometimes hits my youngest brother just because he's an easy target.

All of that sounds horrible, I know, but let me get back to what I was saying. My friends have been telling me mixed things: that I should let him be happy or that I have every right to be pissed off, and everything in between. You know what though? I'm going to be pissed, and I don't care what anyone says about it. If that sounds mean then I'm sorry but that's just how it is. To me it feels like he's trying to replace my mom. These are MY feelings and I'm pretty sure I have a right to feel them. Why haven't I said any of this to him, you may ask? Well, the answer is simple: I'm scared of him every second that he's home, good mood or not, because of what I mentioned above, and I don't know how to stand up to him.

When and if this woman comes to stay here, I know he's going to do his best to act like a saint around her. However, I know my younger siblings will be the monsters they usually are, my dad will go off on them, and this woman will see how he really is. Who knew my siblings being so horrible could actually come in handy someday? Don't get me wrong though, I DO want my dad to be happy. Just not this way. And I'm gonna be mad about this as much and as long as I want to.

Happy Birthday Momma

Today, January 13th, 2011, is the day that my momma would have turned 59. It's her birthday.

I could go on about how much I miss her and how much I want/need her here, but I'm crying as I'm sitting here typing this and I've already said I miss her countless times, and I don't want to cry harder while I'm typing.

Anyway, I thought instead I'd share a few of the good times I had with my mom. It's important to me that I keep her memory alive, and that I hold on to my memories of her, especially since I can't make any new ones with her.

Before she got sick, she did so much. Like I remember when I was in elementary school, my mom would clean my room for me every day before I got home from school. She never said a word about it, I didn't act spoiled because of it, and I tried to not mess up my room too badly.

Another thing I remember, and this came to me last night, was when I was really little, I went to Church with my mom. It was a special Saturday night service, and it was special to me and my mom because it was usually just the two of us that went. I was too little to really understand what worship was, but I just wanted to be close to my mom. It was in the middle of worship, and my mom was at the altar. She really became overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit, so she was laying on her back and worshiping. I was in my seat where my mom had told me to stay, but when I saw her on her back, I thought something was wrong with her so I ran to the front and wordlessly lay down on the floor beside her, watching her until she looked over at me and told me she was alright.

One of my favorite memories with her was when I was probably 16, she could still transfer herself from her recliner to her power chair, and we were both hungry. We were trying to figure out what to eat, then my mom suggested that I go to the kitchen and see if we had the ingredients to make her homemade chili. We did, so I got the ingredients out while she got into her power chair and came into the kitchen with me. She couldn't do too much because she couldn't stand for very long, so I did most of the work. It was a fun afternoon though, just her and me, talking and laughing and making the best chili I've ever had.

Last year on her birthday, she was in a hospital, and she had gotten worse so she couldn't go out anywhere. My family and I went out for Mexican food in her honor, because it was her favorite, and we all went to visit her beforehand. She tried her best to hide it, but I could tell she was disappointed for not being able to go out with us. I know I definitely wish she was there.

The last time she actually got out of the house besides to go to a hospital or a nursing home was May 15th, 2009. That was the day of my high school graduation. She couldn't walk at all by this point so it was, you could say interesting, transferring her to the car so she could come watch me graduate. I can remember clearly walking across the stage and looking out into the audience to see her reaction. She had the biggest smile on her face, I knew she was so proud of me.

I would like to close with this:

Dear Momma,

Happy 59th Birthday! *hugs* I love you so much Momma, and I miss you every day. I hope you're rejoicing in Heaven as you have your perfect body and are able to dance with Jesus like you wanted for so long. I know Heaven is a beautiful place, but it really and truly is so much more beautiful now that you're there. I will hold on to you forever, and I know you'll do the same for me and Dad and the rest of your children and loved ones. Please tell Jesus to give you a hug from me, and know it's me hugging you. Smile and know I still clearly see it and know how much your smile brightened up the room.

Love Always,
Your daughter, Sarah


Thank you for reading guys.

I'm Scared.

Okay, being scared is a hard thing for me to admit. This time though, it's different.

I went to the gynecologist this morning and had a routine checkup and some blood work done. That all sounds pretty normal, right? Well that's what I thought it was going to be until the doctor actually started talking to me. I went in for a complaint about my menstrual cycle, and he told me about all of these tests he wanted to run because he thinks one of the biggest factors contributing to this problem I'm having is my weight. He told me all of the risks that come from this.

He told me that because of my irregularity, I might not be able to have children someday. He told me something might be wrong with my adrenal gland. He told me all of these tests he wanted to run and the things he wants to do to rule the more serious problems out. When he was saying this, I nodded along and thought "Okay, this will be good, we're going to figure out what's wrong with me."

Nothing really hit me until I got home and had the chance to sit down and think about what this could mean. If something were seriously wrong with me, it would mean emotional and financial strain on my family, and of course it would affect me emotionally. I mean, what if I'm never able to have kids?? I so want to have children someday, but what if my stupid weight prevents me from doing that?

I'm so scared. I'm scared of what the future might hold. I mean, with everything the doctor said to me, how am I supposed to NOT be scared? If something is seriously wrong with me, it could quite possibly change my life forever. I know this may seem like I'm overreacting, but I'm really not. I've had problems with irregularity for about 8 years and have been worried for a long time.

Just... In general I'm scared.