Monday, March 28, 2011

No title

I know it's been awhile since I blogged here, but a lot has been going on, some of which I won't go into. But anyways...

Since my mom passed away just a little over five months ago, things have been hard at my house, as is expected. However, imagine my surprise and shock when I went into my dad's room one day about a month ago and he was setting up a profile on an online dating site. My stomach turned and I so wanted to go off on him, but I held my tongue. I've been holding my tongue for the past month even though he LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM and talks to random women online. The fact that he locks his door makes me suspicious. You can call me a hypocrite because I'm in my room on my computer all day talking to people my family doesn't know, BUT I don't do ANYTHING online that I'm ashamed of, and I NEVER lock my door unless I'm changing.

Okay, fine, I get the fact that he's lonely and doesn't know how to be single. He was with my mom for over 40 years. Now he's apparently found this woman, and they've already been on two dates. I have mixed feelings about this. I'm of course pissed off because it feels to me like he's trying to replace my mom, I hate the fact that he's even THINKING about dating again when it's ONLY been 5 months since the woman he was married to for 40 FREAKING YEARS passed away (from something she shouldn't have even died from, but don't get me started on that), and I loathe the fact that he thinks it's alright to let this woman come STAY AT OUR HOUSE for a couple of days. And no, I'm not even kidding either!!!!

On the other hand, I know he's a big boy and can take care of himself, but if it were me in his position, I would spend any extra time I had trying to repair my family (because I know all of us have at least some kind of mental or emotional trauma from the way he treats us) instead of trying to find a new woman to be with. My dad says I never watch my siblings, when he doesn't watch them either when he's at home. And when he gets pissed off at them because they're being too loud, he comes out of his room and yells and cusses at them, makes empty threats, and sometimes hits my youngest brother just because he's an easy target.

All of that sounds horrible, I know, but let me get back to what I was saying. My friends have been telling me mixed things: that I should let him be happy or that I have every right to be pissed off, and everything in between. You know what though? I'm going to be pissed, and I don't care what anyone says about it. If that sounds mean then I'm sorry but that's just how it is. To me it feels like he's trying to replace my mom. These are MY feelings and I'm pretty sure I have a right to feel them. Why haven't I said any of this to him, you may ask? Well, the answer is simple: I'm scared of him every second that he's home, good mood or not, because of what I mentioned above, and I don't know how to stand up to him.

When and if this woman comes to stay here, I know he's going to do his best to act like a saint around her. However, I know my younger siblings will be the monsters they usually are, my dad will go off on them, and this woman will see how he really is. Who knew my siblings being so horrible could actually come in handy someday? Don't get me wrong though, I DO want my dad to be happy. Just not this way. And I'm gonna be mad about this as much and as long as I want to.