Thursday, June 17, 2010

Random Writings/Ramblings

I know it's been awhile, but I just didn't know what to write about. And today I'm bored (as usual), so I'm just randomly writing.

Being engaged in Second Life has been one of the most exciting, scary, thrilling, and sad to say drama-filled experiences of my entire life. I've found someone who loves me for me; short temper, mood swings, and imperfect self-image included. He does love me, yes, but sometimes it's been hard to hold on to him. I've fought my hardest to keep him. I'm not giving up on him, although almost everybody I've talked to tells me I should. I'm a crazy girl, I'm in love, deeply, passionately, movingly, head-over-heels in love with this man. I couldn't be happier that we're married, the big day is in less than 2 weeks; thinking about that makes me excited, but then I remember how much I still have to do. Invitations, song playlist, flowers.. *sigh* it's a bit overwhelming, and my fiancee says he doesn't care, but I know he just says that to mess with me. He's fun like that, he stays up with me and Ade into the latest hours of the night playing Greedy Greedy, or listening to me sing along to my music, or laughing when I accidentally pull my hair. He laughs in a playful way and agrees with me and Ade that I need a padded room and a helmet. He's fun, something I've needed lately.

Also, if we were forced to live a life without music, I couldn't do it. Music is such a big part of my life. I'm listening to music as I write this; my iPod is always playing - more than likely the same handful of songs over and over, even though I have almost 2,000 songs on there, but those few songs are I guess you could say my comfort zone songs. I have different playlists - songs that are upbeat for dancing, songs that are more toned down and calming, love songs, songs that remind me of my fiancee.. Well you get the idea. Lately, the few songs I've been, well, for lack of a better term, obsessed with, are Never Alone (the acoustic mix) by BarlowGirl, All Around Me by Flyleaf, Missing by Evanescence, TiK ToK by Ke$ha, Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus, Only Hope by Mandy Moore, and Telephone by Lady Gaga. Each song has significance for me, each song represents either something I like to think about myself or something I need to be reminded of or just a song with a good beat that I can get up and dance to when I have a random burst of energy at 1:00 in the morning.

Basically these days, my days consist of talking to my friends (mostly Ade, as she is my best friend/maid of honor); talking to my fiancee; making wedding plans; trying my damnedest to make money for wedding pictures, various rents, and my seemingly incurable shopping habit; listening to music; and worrying and praying for my mom.

My mom has Multiple Sclerosis. She's been sick with it since 2001, and I barely remember what she was like before she got sick. She's lost most of her sight (she's legally blind), she can't walk, stand, sit up, or even roll over by herself, she's lost some of her hearing which causes her to talk very softly, a lot of her memory is gone, (I can remember one incident when she was in the hospital, and my family and I went to visit her, and my dad asked her if she remembered everyone who was there - me, my two younger sisters, and two of my younger brothers - and she didn't remember one of my younger sisters. That broke my heart. It took her at least two minutes to remember her.) and the worst - since she basically can't move, she has bed sores pretty much all over the back side of her body, she's even getting them on the heels of her feet, so she has bandages everywhere pretty much. She looks so small and helpless and sick when I go to check on her, and she has a sort of glazed-over look to her eyes, and she looks so pale.. that I can barely look at her without crying and even wishing it could be me that was suffering so much, and not her.

She never did anything wrong to have to go through something like this. Before she got sick she was the most amazing, wonderful, and perfect mother I could have ever asked for. She was lively, vibrant, selfless, constantly happy, and always willing to do anything for her kids. Now to go from that to seeing her like this.. Not being able to do anything for herself, having "attacks" of becoming confused and thinking she can walk when she can't and sleeping most of the day and telling me she wants to die - it isn't fair to her, not in the least bit. She deserves so much better than this. She deserves to not suffer anymore.

This hurts me to say, but I've lost all hope that she'll ever get better. It seems like since things have gotten so bad with her physically, emotionally, and mentally, that she's beyond the point of ever going back to being the woman I used to know as being the most amazing mother ever. I still constantly pray for her; I pray that the Lord will relieve her suffering, and that whatever He has in His will for my mom is perfect, because as hard as this has been on her and everyone in my family - even those who don't live anywhere near us - as long as I do have some faith left, I can take comfort in that.

I think I'm done writing for now, if you do read this thank you for doing so.